A "Trip to France" and other desires.

As a child I had always imagined myself with children and a place of my own.
my long drawn out fantasies consisted of me and my stuffed animal "children" staying in my own little place that required no man or significant other to maintain.

I just never imagined anyone else in the picture except for me and my "children".

One of my favorite fantasies consisted of this;

I would imagine traveling to France (My parents went without me one year after planning the trip for a long time, only to leave us home with grandparents.) and taking my "children" with me to a hotel.

With my old "boom box", gifted to me on my birthday or some holiday, I would make cassette tapes full of dialogue and label them "A Trip to France". Once finished, I would listen to the "trip" approximately 10-12 times; only to re-record the fantasy over and over and over again. I would give anything to find that old cassette tape now.

I was always the caregiver in my mind and recall my desire to have my own private abode which was the main part of my imaginary world. I would drive off (or fly because I had super powers), take care of business and come back to my family. I would pretend to invite people now and then but I didn't like anyone trying to change anything.

I imagine my desire to travel and my desire to have my own space without the presence of another person, other than my children, stems from some of these experiences that I've had as a child.

Obsessing - the thanksgiving "basket"

Last week I received a call from my daughter's school saying that someone had put our name in to receive a thanksgiving basket for our family. (I thought they were going to ask us for a donation) We have been in a difficult financial situation and it had been made known somewhere down the line.
She gave me the times, day, and location to pick it up at.
Unfortunately that was not enough for me.

Since then, I have been obsessing over what it looks like, what is in it, how heavy it is, how big it is, who I'm going to talk to when I get there, whether or not people are going to be in my way, how I'm going to carry it home on the back of my stroller (we don't have a car), and any thing else you can think of related to any possible obstacles that may occur.

I decided I needed to call and find out (risking possibly offending someone and making them angry with me?) and have been obsessing over making the phone call for the past three days.

Well, I finally did call and now I have found out that we are getting an 11 pound turkey and it is not in fact an actual "basket", per say, but there are two green bags with food in it. (Why do they call it a basket? Is that a metaphor for something?)
Good news is, I can put them on the back of the stroller and walk home with them. yay

I pick them up today and I wonder if I have to return the bags?

edited to add; I did express my gratitude to them. I don't know if I am supposed to do something back? (It was anonymous)
Do I send a thank you card? Where to? The front office? The classroom?

I'm so sick of this

I'm tired of N being picked on at school and coming home upset because of it. She's overly sensitive and the kids know that so they love to get her going. I've tried to talk to her and help and I've talked to her teacher.

She came upset today and has been having numerous meltdowns. (which occurs at least a few times a week. Especially at the end of the week)
She finally told me that all of the other girls were invited to a party except for her.

I'm just sick of this.

I tell my husband and his only responses are of the following:

We need to enroll her in martial arts

or

When I was her age nobody messed with me because I could defend myself.

And then he proceeds to criticize me by indirectly calling me a pacifist. He doesn't understand my difficulties with socializing and scoffs at me because of it.
oh and,
Apparently its my fault and I should agree with him that Miriam should punch and kick kids who call her names?

I'm in tears. I don't know how to handle this.

Family update

My 7 year old M:


I'm going to talk to M's teacher on Monday.
Her teacher thinks she is unusually intelligent but it is not showing it in her work or tests. We have to struggle with her just to get an average performance from her. I'm worried that perhaps I should have held her back in the first grade.
One of my concerns is her motor skills and her handwriting. I'm thinking of getting her more beads to work on her fine motor skills. This may help a bit with handwriting.

I put her hair in braids all this week. She loved it and we didn't have to brush it. (lazy parents!)

It' fits her personality quite well.

My 3 year old N:

Here is an example of one of our conversations today. (-: :

me: N, what color is that (me pointing to her shirt)?
N: "What color"
me: What color is the flower on your shirt?
N: "Color"

I guess she will do it when she is ready.

Me, myself, and I:

My thoughts are a bit random lately and unorganized so I am sure it is apparent when I post on here. I will make it short.

I am taking an internet math class now. I have not even looked at the book and we are a month in. I'm just not able to do it now. I barely holding my house together as it is.

19th of June, 2007. little things.

Today my internet stopped working. I was in the middle of a project I had procrastinated on until the last minute and, go figure, I needed the internet to finish it and only four more hours to do so. I rearranged my equipment, unplugged, replugged,restarted, did a bunch of stuff with the modem,(Don't ask me what, I don't know) and gave up in frustration. I was sure that it was simple, I could see what the problem was, yet I couldn't fix it. I whacked the modem a few times out of desperation but that wasn't it either. (Hey, it worked before with my TV)
Finally I called my husband and informed him I was going to go to the college and use the computer lab. I had only one problem; "honey, where is my student ID?" and "I still have to pick up M from daycare before three." Well, my ID was in the car, at my husband's work and it was almost 2, which was when I had to pick up my daughter. I was pacing and wringing my hands and an absolute mess. The little things always get me. The major things I can deal with. I was freaking out and trying to plan on driving to my husbands work, get my ID and have M stay at daycare until later just because I was too stupid to fix the damn computer and get my work done on time.
Finally I put my pride to the side and called tech support only to find out that I had already done what he was telling me to do already (I was annoyed half way through the conversation. The customer service was good but very annoying) and the computer started working during my second try anyways. I was just too upset to notice. ~sigh~

Being a mom with aspergers?

Has anyone played the hokey poky before? You stand in a circle, stick your right leg in , shake it all about.
Well, I'm standing just on the outside of the circle, and doing something just a little bit different but, guess what, I'm still part of it.
It's not a lost cause. I still have the general idea. (-:

My little girl - 1rst grade year

We had a conference with N's teacher yesterday. It went where I thought it would.

nowhere.

Her teacher was sweet but kind of young and ditsy and seemed to have little control over her class. (She had a valley girl accent. LIKE, OMG!!)

N is socially behind.
I've come to except this as it becomes more apparent as she enters the 1rst grade. I've always been in denial about it because she has always been unusually outgoing.

For example, When we take her out to the playground she will just run up to the kids and growl at them (She's playing lion) or yell at them. She is being friendly but it scares the other kids.

N has also begun to make up imaginary friends which she takes to school with her. This, of course, gets her teased and bullied relentlessly. N "defends herself" and then gets in trouble for her behavior because they go and "tattle" on her. She's been coming home with notes almost every day now.

I've also been noticing that she will either play on the same level as kids that are a few years younger than her or follow the adults around and talk their ears off. When she is told to stop talking (especially in class) she gets very agitated and upset.

The funny thing is that, even though she gets picked on, my daughter doesn't discriminate against any other kid. (Even the ones that pick on her) She wants to be friends with all of them and will hop from one kid to the next like a bumble bee in a patch of flowers. She will talk their ears off but won't have a two way conversation and only wants to dictate the play time. We try and tell her that sometimes you have to do what other children want but she won't hear any of it.

She talks to the kids that the other children won't. My daughter doesn't deserve the treatment those other children give her. Children are taught by television and in school to be accepting of everyone but so far I haven't noticed that quality in a majority of the kids at school or the adults for that matter. It's almost as if she is being punished.

I spoke with my teacher last night.
She has two sons with ADHD that went to the same school. She recommended that I talk to a behaviorist at the school. (I didn't know they have one)
Either way I need to get N evaluated and get her the help she needs. I know she is capable of excelling and her potential is amazing. I know all mothers say this but I think she is above average intellectually. She just seems frustrated all the time and I don't want her to feel that way any more.

I want my happy N back.

Play dates, hanging out with friends, socializing, and all that "normal stuff" I don't do.

Warning: Lots of incoherant rambling, bad spelling, grammer, punctuation, and cursing. And probably a bit of stupidity too.

Why? Because I'm a shitty fucking mother? I don't know. I beginning to think my children are going to hate me because I don't talk to anybody.
I'm a good mother when it comes to other things but my daughter doesn't have friends or go on play dates and I don't go meet with random strangers I found on the internet.
She doesn't get invited to play dates from the children at her school and usually the only times that I will have a conversation with another parent is if they have no one else to talk to or my social husband is around. Yes, the people here already seem to know each other and I haven't exactly been made to feel welcome but at the same time they are nice.

It has to be me.

N has been to a few birthday parties (2 to be exact, in the span of 2 years) and we met one of her little friends by mistake, out at the fair, back in February.
I don't know how to make play dates. I don't know how to make the small talk in order to open up the opportunity to ask if the children can play together. I'm also not comfortable having my children play at a strange person's house nor am I comfortable leaving the familiarity of my own. I just can't do it.

You would think my social husband would help but he is one of those people who goes and says "ya, sure, let's get together some time and then doesn't". I can't blame him though.

I don't want my daughter to be seperated from society because of me and the ONLY reason I would want to go out with people I don't know very well is because of my daughter. I love to watch them play and have fun and my oldest daughter likes to go out and find "friends" but I am worried that she doesn't know how to socialize right (despite the fact she is outgoing and wants to play with everyone) and have a conversation with another child and it is all going to be my fault because I don't know how to do any of that.

In case anyone is wondering, (I'm sure anyone that bothered reading this is wondering , "why did she bother to have kids?") I was socialized as a child but I never made my own friends. My mother always sent me to play at other children's houses, she baby sat lots of children, and she always enrolled me in clubs like 4H and Girl Scouts.
I just never figured it out.
I've been trying to fucking figure it out all my life and I am just tired of trying. My husband tells me I have come a long way and he is part of the reason for me even realizing there was a problem. He never judged me. He loved me anyways and was my first ACTUAL relationship. (I even wonder why the hell he sticks around. I'm not easy to live with)

When I joined the Navy a lot of things came to the surface but I was sure that I would learn more skills and be more outgoing in no time. I would be great!! I would be "well rounded". I just needed to "come out of my shell", blah blah blah fucking blah.
I came a long way but I've just constantly been met with frustration and failure. To be quite honest I would love to just stay in my room for the rest of my damn life and not talk to anyone but that is stupid.

The last blow was when I went to a mommy meet up from Gainesville and brought my children. It was hot loud and confusing. My husband socialized plenty and the girls had a great time. (My husband said never again but he is so protective of me)
When I left someone made the comment "next time we will envite someone who talks more."
I was so upset. I thought I had done well and even took the initiative to talk to a few girls and ask them about their children. It was SO FUCKING HARD but I did it but my best effort is another person's worst effort, I suppose.

woe is me, play the violins, boo fucking hoo.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I am frustrated. If I had a lot of family in the area I would socialize by default but I can't afford it and I have alienated myself from a lot of people. I wish my husband would try to get us out to socialize and make friends for me but that is unrealistic.

I need to figure something out.

If you ever meet me and think I'm "just shy" and don't hold it against me, you are nice. Unfortunately it is a lot more than that.
If you understand this at all then it is a miracle because so far no one has gotten it and I am also not to sure that this blog makes sense as it is crazy and disjointed. Just know that I do try and that it is not easy for me. If I ever meet any of you who read this, also, please don't take anything personal that I do or don't do. I've come a long way since being in the Navy and since having children but I still fuck up. A lot. And even though you may not believe it, I don't mean to nor do I want to.

I just hope my children don't suffer because of me.

The tooth fairy was late again.

I swear I am going to get this right eventually.

My daughter woke up this morning, in tears, because the tooth fairy didn't come. dammit, so, I told her that she only worked on Saturday night this week.

~sigh~ My mother never did this to me.

At my mom's place

So we drove to *** (12 hours. 10 if my husband didn't decide to take his own route) and got there around 1 in the morning.
I hate long drives.
I got to see my little girl and she did, in fact, grow! I have tons of pics but most of them aren't digital.

I had a bit of a meltdown, yesterday, while I was there. My family was forgiving and, of course, thought it was for other reasons since it involved my dad. I guess it is best they see me in that light than know the real reason why I was upset or frustrated. I was fine after an hour or so and things worked out.
I saw my dad too and got to use his Canon Rebel (woo hoo!).

Tomorrow morning we leave to go back to **.

My 2 year old has been throwing a constant tantrums since I got here. She can't handle any new environment and it is difficult for me to deal with.
What is even more difficult to deal with is that my husband can't handle her tantrums and acts about the age of 2 himself. ~sigh~

I included a picture of the road in front of my mother's house taken during the winter time. It takes your breath away and actually makes me miss the winter. There is nothing like a solitary walk down a snow covered road, surrounded by silence, so silent you can even hear the snow fall. It arouses something in me that I can't even begin to describe.
I need to get away.
Coming back here reminds me of that.

Overwhelmed

I've been trying to write this paper for one week now. I keep hitting road blocks every time I think I'm getting somewhere with it. I've also been trying to pick up the laundry, do the dishes, sort the piles of paper, vacuum, put away everyone's clothes, and just create a somewhat sanitary environment for my children to live in yet I've failed at all of those so far. Everyone tells me I'm doing well but I don't feel well. I knew this was going to happen when I went to school. I just didn't know how difficult it was going to be deal with. I feel like I'm trapped in constant filth. I can't concentrate in this environment and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm lucky if I get a shower. Most of the time I will go two or three days. I'm still in my pajamas from yesterday. I have two tests on Tuesday and I have informed my husband that I am sleeping early Wednesday night and not to wake me up if I fall asleep while putting the girls down for the night. Shower or not. Well off to finish this damn paper. I still have homework to finish for this same class and it's all due tomorrow night. Then I get home from school at around 9 p.m. and study for three chapters that I haven't even glanced at yet I have a test on them in the morning. I also have discussion boards to post on the same class and then another test to take for legal that is due by 11 p.m. that night. How many nights can I stay up? No wonder I'm going nuts. I will at least try to remember to brush my teeth before bed. Pray I complete this degree because I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.

Somebody knock me out please.

Day #3 with migraine.

I still continue to do all I need to get done;

I study, get on the computer and attend my on-line classes (staring at the computer screen can not be good for any head ache,I cook lunch (well, maybe I will just heat it up or throw together a sandwich)I take almost no medication because I have to get in the car and drive, I drop off my children and pick them up from school and then listen to a screaming 20 month old and fighting, whining, screaming children until my husband comes home and rescues me.

No, wait. He doesn't rescue me. That's only wishful thinking. He tries but instead I listen to him talk non-stop, (telling me he knows what can fix that headache) on top of a screaming baby, and rambunctious, smart-mouthed, loquacious, 6 year old until I go to sleep AND if I'm lucky I will fall asleep before him. If not, I listen to him snore because he refuses to get a sleep study done and take care of his problem.

Gee, I wonder why this headache won't go away.

Well, as soon as bed time comes around, I'm taking the good medicine.

Lately

I've been in a slump these past few weeks. I just don't feel up to doing much of anything. This could be due to the fact that my family and I have been under so much stress for such a long period of time or perhaps I just need to get outside more and get some exercise. Either way it is as if I feel indifferent to everything around me. Something major would have to happen, right now, to invoke any sort of emotion from me.

Also, I try to socialize and be pleasant with everyone but it appears false and forced which makes people a bit uncomfortable. My presence tends to make people uncomfortable anyways but lately it bothers me more than other times. So, I just don't bother. I've tried to fix this in the past but I also can't force myself to be someone I'm not. This is usually fine because I tend to keep to myself a majority of the time but I would like to have a little normalcy as well, if not for me then for my girls. I don't want to be the "weird" mom and I sure as hell don't want to isolate them from having friends.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care, I'm shy, selfish, antisocial, or I'm just annoyed by most people. I don't desire to be isolated from everyone. I have times that I would like to be part of the society around me and participate in functions and play dates. Constant contact with other people just overwhelms me to the point that I don't want to be around anyone and I need a little peace and quiet for a long period of time. I never understood people whom had friends over every day or went out together every weekend. Perhaps that is why many of my friends don't stick around very long. The friends I have kept don’t live close enough for me to form a close relationship with. This, of course, means I don’t have to put a lot of effort into it.

Who knows the real answer? Perhaps I’m just being reactive to the way society wants me to conform. Being quiet, in this society, seems to be such a taboo. It is seen as a sign of being timid or weak. You have to be “aggressive” in this world. You have to be outgoing and submissive at the same time because, G-d forbid, you will appear as intolerant or un-compassionate. You have to be active in the community and volunteer for as many things as possible. Make a name for yourself. oh yeah, and don't forget to take your Ritalin.
I don’t get it. What does one have to prove?

I’m not always so down on myself. Most of the time, I know that kindness and shyness are not a sign of weakness. It’s only some of the time, like now, that I let other’s words and dirty looks bother me. When people make comments such as “Why don’t you talk more?” and
“I bet your not as innocent as you look.” it truly irritates me. They have already got me sized up in their brain. I never claimed to be innocent but that also doesn’t mean that I’m evil or have some hidden wild women within. It also doesn’t mean I’m pious or easily offended. And, no, I’m not weird or “stuck up”. I’m probably the most normal person you will ever meet. I can speak softly and carry my big stick. My still waters run deep, And lastly, the good things I do for others remain unspoken. My reward doesn’t come from the pat on the back one receives from public recognition. I always had a disdain for that and find it superficial and phony.

Well, I’m not going anywhere with this really. I do need to cook dinner (I hate the kitchen. I would be happy if I never stepped foot in it again) and study for my classes. Even though I’m not going for any high powered political position I need to at least put some food on the table. You can take that as either I have to study hard to get ahead or as I have to walk myself into the kitchen and actually cook something that will be consumed by the other people in my family. Either way, I don’t want to do it, but I have to. Not to mention, it wouldn’t be very nice to let my children starve until their father got home. Despite the fact that I hate to cook, I can cook. I am pretty damn good at it, thank -you -very much.

5 finals out of the way but a little girl to work on.

I am done with all 5 finals for the fall semester! woo hoo!

I am ready to collapse into a dark comfy corner with big fluffy pillows and sleep for a week straight.

I can't do that though. My daughter is suffering and it is not fair.

All of these stresses we have had the past few years have affected my oldest daughter and she is not doing well in school right now. I have suspected ADD for a long time (even before the problems) but I am not quick to blame things on that because the majority of the problem is our situation and all the strain we have been through the past two years. I had to take a job on top of school to help pay the bills (and ironically daycare) and she has been going downhill since then.

The terrible thing is that I don't see an end to it anytime soon.

I don't know what to do. Her teacher doesn't know what to do and is ready to give up on her. We had a conference last week and N is one of ‘those’ students that take up a majority of the teacher’s time during class because she needs constant guidance and direction. There are 19 other students and N is one of three that needs a lot of attention.
She doesn't follow directions;
She doesn't listen or pay attention.
She daydreams and talks all day and doesn't finish any of her work.

This is a common “N” thing lately:

N's kindergarten teacher had N sit and finish her project while the other students did an art project. She did this because N didn't finish before the other students. In fact, she didn't even start.
She told N that when she finished she could join everyone else in making an art project which was to resemble a crown with candles on it.
Well, N decided she would take her current, unfinished, project and turn it into the art project that everyone else was doing, proceeding to cut up her paper into 'candles' for the crown.

Another consistent problem is this:

When ever the teacher asks her a question she can't answer! Let me rephrase that: She WON'T answer. She will blurt out the correct answers over other students, during their turn, but not when it is her turn. She is not a bad kid. The teacher says that she is a sweetheart but she has no self control.

You know what is even more frustrating about this!

I KNOW she knows these things. She was even doing great before I started this job and I was told that she had made a complete turn around. (She was having difficulties the beginning of the year)
I quiz her all the time at home! She talks about the letter sounds at home. She reads some words and, yes, at home, she needs CONSTANT redirection and attention but it is just me and she and she knows the stuff.
She could be at the top of her class if she wanted to but N just does what N wants to do.
What am I going to do when she has to take a major test!

I get told she has the potential but she is not performing according to her potential. Her teacher is worried that they may have to hold her back if things don't improve. She comes home crying almost everyday lately and is acting up at home.
And then. . .

The worse blow came this morning:

She is affected socially as well.
I took N to class this morning and (In the hallway before the bell rang) my outgoing, talkative little girl was ignored by her friends. It was like my daughter had a disease and they didn't want to touch her. Why oh why...

What the hell did I do wrong? She doesn't deserve this. I have to do something.
I can't let my daughter suffer like this anymore.