If it's not a spectrum disorder. . .

Or NVLD then what is it that could be going on with me?

Unfortunately I have a difficult time stepping out of my current situation and the difficulties I am going through cloud my judgment considerably.
I do want to be objective as possible if I was to obtain a psychological/neurological evaluation by a psychologist.

I've looked into personality disorders such as schizoid personality disorder and Obsessive Compulsive disorder (which fits me to a T) and they are something that I could be diagnosed with should I be evaluated. Either way it is important for me to get seen by a professional and get any therapy, help, (or conformation that I am perhaps the worse hypochondriac in the world?) or "piece of mind", as one may put it.

I took some on-line quizzes (not exactly accurate, I know) out of curiosity and I dare to post them here.

Feel free to post yours in response should you stumble across my page but also let me know, if you will, if you have, in fact, been diagnosed with anything before.

Test #1

Link: Online Screening for Personality Disorders

Results:

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

• Schizoid Personality
• Schizotypal Personality
• Borderline Personality
• Obsessive Personality

Test #2

Link: Personality Disorder Test
Results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

For my "Aspie" friends (-:

I thought I would promote this little website I belong to. (Some of you might be on it already)
It's sort of like a myspace/blogging/social site for adults on the spectrum..

aspieSocial

"Psych groups' fury over 'ransom' ads" - not all attention is good

Yeah, these adds piss me off too. All they do is add to the stigma that we already have to deal with on a daily basis and promotes useless pity. In this case, I don't agree that negative attention is better than no attention. Here is the link: Unnecessary Negative publicity about Autism and ADHD.

"These "ransom notes" are being plastered all over town as part of a new ad campaign about the dangers of psychiatric disorders like autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and Asperger's syndrome. They are causing outrage among many of the groups they are designed to represent - prompting parents and disability advocates to demand they be taken down. "The child has not been 'taken,' they just need a little extra help," said Melissa Ramirez, 26, who has a cousin with autism. "It's basically showing [parents] they have no control over their child. It's inappropriate." The ad campaign is being rolled out over the next four months by the NYU Child Study Center, which says the posters are designed to highlight the plight of children who suffer from undiagnosed or untreated psychiatric problems.
(This aspect I can agree with but there are better ways to get your point across. Being undiagnosed all of your life SUCKS! But people are not going to take it that way)"

"Disability advocates including Not Dead Yet and the Autism Acceptance Project have united in protest. "There needs to be recognition that not all attention is good attention," said Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network who suffers from Asperger's syndrome. "The message that this campaign is sending, specifically that children with disabilities are shells, that somehow we have had our true selves stolen away or kidnapped ... is one that has a lot of terrible consequences."

regarding Asperger/Nuerotypical relationships:

I'm just going to post a few since there are so many. Here is the link if anyone is interested: http://www.angelfire.com/journal/shwankie2/ASquotes.html

From the point of view of the Nuerotypical (Person without Aspergers) spouse:

* Day-to-day life has gotten smoother since I've stopped defining his reactions to sensory overload (noise, confusion, crowds, emotional discussions) as personal rejection, and since he's realized that his experience of the world is not the same as mine - that it is helpful if he can stop and explain to me what he IS reacting to, and how I can help rather than just shutting me out. He is learning that sometimes I need to hear the words and be brought the flowers, and feel the small touches of closeness and appreciation. I am learning that, emotions are there, even if deeply buried, and difficult to access and to understand." - in reply to an AS husband.

*"My dh's meltdowns can take any number of forms; chewing out the kids, arguing with no sense to it, or going and zombie-ing out in the hammock or in front of the TV. I guess it is maybe good that some of his meltdowns are also his coping strategies...He can just shut down...or he can dig in his heels and fight something or someone long past its usefulness..." This sounds alot like my ex too. Not daily, but maybe monthly. He would totally VEG in front of the TV for HOURS on a daily basis. But about once a month he would just EXPLODE and pick something to just babble and yell about that made no sense. It didn't matter how many facts I had to show that it was not the way he was portraying it, he just kept twisting every lil detail to just argue. And then bam, after he was done, it was literally like he forgot it all ever happened." --C

From the view point of the spouse with Aspergers:

* "First off, Helen, I have AS, and I DO have feelings and emotions...
I do not intentionaly Ignore my wife & kids; and as far as acting different in public-- AS folk's tend to mimic others as we notice their behaviors, and believe this is the way we should act, even though it may feel awkward.

We try to be what others want us to be, and truely do not understand at times our behavior is inapropriate (until it is to late and pointed out).

Living with us must be very frustrating!! I wont deny that Fact!
But please realize this: we live in a world which we find hard to understand. People have teased and harassed us as children because of our differences and lack of social skills. We struggle day after day knowing we are different but are unable to change. Yes we can learn how to mimic people! But we can never be totaly succesful with this, as it is very uncomfortable even painfully frustating, filled with high anxiety, stress and and chronic depression." -Dg

* "Also, my feelings (and probably his, too) are much more intense due to this since we hardly are able to live them out. I don't know if you ever watched Star Trek. The Vulcans there supress their emotions because would they not, they would become violent, impredictable, selfish and unable to progress in their developement. I've always identified with this. In fact, ST has educated me in how to keep my intense and sometimes violent emotions in check.

People told me to "open up" more and show I have emotions. I did and was hated, shunned and feared for it and lost my friends. So I decided that it's best to act the part of the Vulcan again in most situations. If I show emotions in public other than with my family or partner (which I really had a hard time learning) then it is mostly fake, displaying what I assume would be the appropriate reaction. I make less and less mistakes in this, so I usually don't get looked at as a freak anymore." -L.W.

What it's like not having a diagnosis

Well, it's like I know but I don't know. Some days I feel normal (until I get a reality check when I go out in public)

The other day I had to have a conference with my 2 year olds teacher. I had to tell her about my disability (For whatever reason I may have it) because she had mentioned the social curriculum that they have at the day care. I wanted to emphasize the importance of why this curriculum is important for my daughter whom I am positive does not have the same disability as I. I didn't say "Aspergers", I just said that I have a disability that makes it difficult for me to socialize with other people. She just pried further. (But she seemed very nice and had never heard of Aspergers before so I hope she doesn't say anything)

The funny thing is I wouldn't go around telling people even if I had a diagnosis but I felt obligated in this situation.

I also worry that it will get back to my husband who doesn't really want to see it.

Now more about my husband: I showed him a video of the girl from America's Next Top model. (The one with Asperger's) and when I was explaining to him the disability that she is dealing with I mentioned the word autism. This is what he said:

"Well, she is not autistic, she has Aspergers."

So was he accepting my speculation about my myself but still is denial about the autism aspect? Will he only accept it if I don't call it autism?

I don't know. I'm rambling on.

ps: I've decided to do my associates in art as a psychology degree. I'm almost done with my AS.

25 October 2007 - Getting evaluated

I found a place.

I found it by accident while surfing the internet. A place that evaluates for asperger's, NVLD, and ADHD.
They evaluate both adults and children.
Unfortunately my insurance only covers the ADHD evaluation and very little of the Asperger's evaluation. I will have to wait until after I finish my degree and we are more stable.
I need to research this place and see if they are any good. I've had a bad experience in the past and I don't want to go through that again.

Being a mom with aspergers?

Has anyone played the hokey poky before? You stand in a circle, stick your right leg in , shake it all about.
Well, I'm standing just on the outside of the circle, and doing something just a little bit different but, guess what, I'm still part of it.
It's not a lost cause. I still have the general idea. (-:

The advantage of my psychology obsession whilst in the Navy.

This, of course, is only a theory I have and I prefer not to say that I was "just lucky" but "persevered through thick and thin" by staying in the military for so long. I will never know for sure but I do know that I did serve a significant time in the military despite my perceived disabilities and I also know that I am not the only one who has achieved this. (This observation has been made upon reading endless blogs and posts from members who have served in the military and been later diagnosed with Asperger's/NVLD upon or after discharge.)

I don't wonder how the diagnosis was missed. For one, my ADD diagnosis, received while in the military, was not very thorough and I basically told them, "this is my problem. Will you please treat me for it?". I went to the psychology ward (Otherwise known as the 9th floor of the hospital where you didn't want to be seen unless you were going to the "library" conveniently located behind the "psych ward".) after being told by my supervisor that he thinks I have ADD because I don't make eye contact. (He thought I was distracted while he was talking to me when in fact I was listening. I just cant do both at the same time but I didn't know that then and believed what people told me.)

Let's just say I know how to fill out the questionnaires. (-; I know which things on the questionnaire are considered "depressive", and "schizoid" tendencies and I know that one would basically have to lie if you do or have had any problems. It's quite easy actually. I didn't admit to any depression or any particular thing that I know would be questioned by the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was terrified and I also believe that the only people who honestly answer those questions are the ones who want to be separated. I didn't.

During my time in the Navy,I also received bad advice from a community college counselor, and went for a very bad evaluation from a seedy disability office in the area. I was young and naive and didn't realize that what I needed to do was see a specialist which would not have been provided to me while I was in the Navy anyways. The disability office basically told me that I was uneducated and stupid even though I never received an IQ test from them. Of course I looked young and mentally healthy so my theory now is that they probably thought I was trying to "scam" the system and they were trying to "teach me a lesson". The experience hurt my already fragile ego and disenfranchised me even more. (I'll tell this story another time.)

So, to make a long story short, I knew how to answer the psych questions, I took the medications that pretty much only made me hyper, more aggressive than usual (which was seen as a good thing by the people I worked for), and sick from the side effects, and continued to get treated for ADD which, I, at the time, did believe I had.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered Asperger's and NVLD. This has opened a whole new realm of answers to questions I've always had and has removed the blame from myself and other members of my family for many things. (I also know that I am not stupid and uneducated) Not to mention, this revelation has helped me with my psych obsession by giving me new information to research. (O.K, so that is not good for my schooling which happens to be unrelated to my obsessions) It has opened my eyes to another world and culture that I believe that I may be part of.

What would've happened had I stayed in the military? Well, I shall speculate on that another time.

Waiting to find out.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and research the past year and have been thinking that it is possible that I may fall on the spectrum. I hope to eventually know for sure and be able to make an official title to this blog and speak of my experiences as a parent and how I plan on doing the best damn job possible. My worse fear is that I will be told that I am mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and there is nothing wrong with me. (What will my title be? Crazy, neurotic mom?)

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) it is not that simple and I am positive that there is more to the picture. I have been on the outside my whole life and have never entirely been able to relate to another human. Becoming a mother has brought me a little bit closer but there still seems to be some invisible wall that I can't get past.

Recently I found a community of members who have Asperger's syndrome and Non Verbal Learning Disorder. I am leaning more towards the fact that I may have Non Verbal Learning Disorder but I can only do so much research and personal reflection without speaking to a professional.

I will close this entry for now. I have to go pick up my daughter from school and I also have a lot of homework that I need to take care of. (I'm a bit behind)

Take care all,


(-:

I need to know

Being the inpatient person that I am I decided to call around and find out how I may be evaluated for asperger's syndrome. (My heart felt like it was about to pound out of my chest the entire time I was making those phone calls.)

Wow, it is amazing how little resources are available for an adult to be evaluated. It is my, not so humble, opinion, after doing much research via the net, that the US is a little behind on this compared to the UK. I hope that this will change very soon.

I finally got a hold of the mental health department at XXXX and they informed me that they have ONE therapist that evaluates adults. (Wow, one entire therapist!!)
I was told (They have great customer service BTW) that I will need a referral and the waiting list is about 3-4 months long. I have no problem with this since I am a full time student and I have possibly been dealing with this for 29 years anyways. (What is 3 more months?)

There is a little more hope now.

Now my worse dilemma is trying to explain myself to the doctor in order to convince her to give me a referral. I, of course, have already catastrofised the situation and thought about what I would do if she said no. I don't know.
I will have the difficult task of presenting my case and that is a bit of a problem since it is very difficult for me to express myself at all, especially when I am stressed and upset. I"ve decided to do it by writing it down. I can think of millions (This is an exaggeration my fellow aspies (-; ) of examples from my life, especially my childhood. I will have to write down the symptoms as per the DSM - IV manual and then cite specific examples next to each one.

I had a lot more to write but I've already exhausted myself with this little blurb. I have a lot of homework, as usual, and I need to concentrate on that.

Ps: The spell checker is telling my that I have to change asperger to asparagus. :-P

Take care all

Well I told him

I dumped the mother load on my husband last night.  He was supportive in a bit of a patronizing way.  I don't need this. 

I've been doing more research on Asperger's in women.  I have no doubt in my mind and everything I read confirms this even more. The funny thing is is that it is the little things that people do.  The mannerisms, the way they speak that seems so strangely familiar to me.  I can't explain that to him. 
 I have no support.
 I just want to crawl in a fucking hole right now. 

 

Perhaps I just need to give him more time.

Off to do some more homework. I'm behind as usual and I have a test tonight and another one tomorrow.  Wish me luck. 

My new friends

I've been "talking" to my new friends today on the internet. I like them. I get them. They get me. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I know I'm not crazy.

I've decided not to jump in for a DX just yet. I'm going to do more research and take on a new perspective in relation to myself.

Right now I don't need some overpaid doctor with his BMW, handing me some papers to make it "official". When the time comes for me to do this, I will walk in there and direct him/her towards information I already know. I can guarantee that I will be aware of more then Mr. PHD when I am standing/sitting there in his/her office, decorated with books that they would like you to think they have read, and self help pamphlets stuck to wall in cheap plastic containers, and me being studied and looked over like some inanimate object. (-:

In other words, I may not need to pay someone for what I will already know but at least I will have physical confirmation.

I have another year until my next physical in which I will inquire of a referral. I will also be finishing my degree in about the same amount of time

In other words, I need to concentrate on putting food on the table right now.

Take care all.

Confused and angry.

I have to get this off my chest.
For awhile I have been pondering over all of my insecurities and perhaps have been a little obsessed with all the problems of my childhood. In other words, I've been wallowing in self pity.
I've been doing excessive research on psychological disorders (In attempt to prove to myself that I'm not mentally ill) and fell upon information on Asperger's syndrome. I found this information via a social anxiety forum while researching selective mutism. Just out of curiosity (and a little nagging feeling) I began reading threads and researching various websites. Why? Because upon discovering that I actually fit in to and completely relate to a group of people for the first time in my life I still don't want to believe that there is a possibility that I have this disorder. I'm looking for reasons why I don't have this and can't find a whole lot. I even took some on-line tests and it scared the living sh*t out of me.
But all of a sudden everything makes sense. It explains everything I've gone through my entire f*cking life! All these memories are flooding back and all these pieces are fitting together. I don't know if this is real or not. I can't even bring myself to say anything to my husband or anybody so I write it in here so my head doesn't explode.
What now?
Do I just wait it out and get on with my life hoping that I'm being overly effected by some hype on the internet and that I will come to my senses soon but I'm not so sure.
Do I try to see someone for a diagnoses of Aspergers or a conformation that I'm crazy & nuerotic? Can I afford that?
I need to talk to my mom but I'm pretty convinced that she has her head in the sand. I know she's had me tested for all sorts of things before. I've had electrodes on my head and hearing tests and spent days looking at pictures and taking strange tests. My mother never told me what the results were. Perhaps she knows something I don't.
My head is spinning and I can't concentrate on my work. (I have two tests tomorrow)

ps: This being autism awareness month I thought somebody may be interested in this forum I have found: My new friends