My medication

Today I started to take my medication again. This medication called Dextroamphetamine and is some pretty powerful stuff. It does help with my depression and motivation but also makes me a little loquacious and aggressive. (I usually don't speak very much)
I've been taking it (off and on) since 1999 when I received my ADD diagnosis in the Navy. I've done my best work while taking the medication but unfortunately I worry that it's not how it is supposed to work.
It doesn't help read people better (Just annoy them a little more when I would normally not talk at all) and it doesn't help with any of my sensitivities. I get more sensitive to lights and people touching me.
Also, my thoughts seem to race a little less only to be contrasted by a lot more "figiting" and if I'm not mistaken the medication is supposed to help with that.
I'm wondering if I would benefit more from an anti-anxiety medication and know that I need to make an appointment to see a professional but I'm hesitating for many reasons, both personal and physical.
for example, I have no car and very little time and money.
My personal reasons would be slightly different since I have never spoken openly or honestly with a mental health professional in fear of it effecting my job.
Only time will tell.
For now I am going to continue to take the medication and try and make an appointment for an evaluation before I run out.

"Psych groups' fury over 'ransom' ads" - not all attention is good

Yeah, these adds piss me off too. All they do is add to the stigma that we already have to deal with on a daily basis and promotes useless pity. In this case, I don't agree that negative attention is better than no attention. Here is the link: Unnecessary Negative publicity about Autism and ADHD.

"These "ransom notes" are being plastered all over town as part of a new ad campaign about the dangers of psychiatric disorders like autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and Asperger's syndrome. They are causing outrage among many of the groups they are designed to represent - prompting parents and disability advocates to demand they be taken down. "The child has not been 'taken,' they just need a little extra help," said Melissa Ramirez, 26, who has a cousin with autism. "It's basically showing [parents] they have no control over their child. It's inappropriate." The ad campaign is being rolled out over the next four months by the NYU Child Study Center, which says the posters are designed to highlight the plight of children who suffer from undiagnosed or untreated psychiatric problems.
(This aspect I can agree with but there are better ways to get your point across. Being undiagnosed all of your life SUCKS! But people are not going to take it that way)"

"Disability advocates including Not Dead Yet and the Autism Acceptance Project have united in protest. "There needs to be recognition that not all attention is good attention," said Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network who suffers from Asperger's syndrome. "The message that this campaign is sending, specifically that children with disabilities are shells, that somehow we have had our true selves stolen away or kidnapped ... is one that has a lot of terrible consequences."

25 October 2007 - Getting evaluated

I found a place.

I found it by accident while surfing the internet. A place that evaluates for asperger's, NVLD, and ADHD.
They evaluate both adults and children.
Unfortunately my insurance only covers the ADHD evaluation and very little of the Asperger's evaluation. I will have to wait until after I finish my degree and we are more stable.
I need to research this place and see if they are any good. I've had a bad experience in the past and I don't want to go through that again.

The advantage of my psychology obsession whilst in the Navy.

This, of course, is only a theory I have and I prefer not to say that I was "just lucky" but "persevered through thick and thin" by staying in the military for so long. I will never know for sure but I do know that I did serve a significant time in the military despite my perceived disabilities and I also know that I am not the only one who has achieved this. (This observation has been made upon reading endless blogs and posts from members who have served in the military and been later diagnosed with Asperger's/NVLD upon or after discharge.)

I don't wonder how the diagnosis was missed. For one, my ADD diagnosis, received while in the military, was not very thorough and I basically told them, "this is my problem. Will you please treat me for it?". I went to the psychology ward (Otherwise known as the 9th floor of the hospital where you didn't want to be seen unless you were going to the "library" conveniently located behind the "psych ward".) after being told by my supervisor that he thinks I have ADD because I don't make eye contact. (He thought I was distracted while he was talking to me when in fact I was listening. I just cant do both at the same time but I didn't know that then and believed what people told me.)

Let's just say I know how to fill out the questionnaires. (-; I know which things on the questionnaire are considered "depressive", and "schizoid" tendencies and I know that one would basically have to lie if you do or have had any problems. It's quite easy actually. I didn't admit to any depression or any particular thing that I know would be questioned by the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was terrified and I also believe that the only people who honestly answer those questions are the ones who want to be separated. I didn't.

During my time in the Navy,I also received bad advice from a community college counselor, and went for a very bad evaluation from a seedy disability office in the area. I was young and naive and didn't realize that what I needed to do was see a specialist which would not have been provided to me while I was in the Navy anyways. The disability office basically told me that I was uneducated and stupid even though I never received an IQ test from them. Of course I looked young and mentally healthy so my theory now is that they probably thought I was trying to "scam" the system and they were trying to "teach me a lesson". The experience hurt my already fragile ego and disenfranchised me even more. (I'll tell this story another time.)

So, to make a long story short, I knew how to answer the psych questions, I took the medications that pretty much only made me hyper, more aggressive than usual (which was seen as a good thing by the people I worked for), and sick from the side effects, and continued to get treated for ADD which, I, at the time, did believe I had.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered Asperger's and NVLD. This has opened a whole new realm of answers to questions I've always had and has removed the blame from myself and other members of my family for many things. (I also know that I am not stupid and uneducated) Not to mention, this revelation has helped me with my psych obsession by giving me new information to research. (O.K, so that is not good for my schooling which happens to be unrelated to my obsessions) It has opened my eyes to another world and culture that I believe that I may be part of.

What would've happened had I stayed in the military? Well, I shall speculate on that another time.

Waiting to find out.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and research the past year and have been thinking that it is possible that I may fall on the spectrum. I hope to eventually know for sure and be able to make an official title to this blog and speak of my experiences as a parent and how I plan on doing the best damn job possible. My worse fear is that I will be told that I am mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and there is nothing wrong with me. (What will my title be? Crazy, neurotic mom?)

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) it is not that simple and I am positive that there is more to the picture. I have been on the outside my whole life and have never entirely been able to relate to another human. Becoming a mother has brought me a little bit closer but there still seems to be some invisible wall that I can't get past.

Recently I found a community of members who have Asperger's syndrome and Non Verbal Learning Disorder. I am leaning more towards the fact that I may have Non Verbal Learning Disorder but I can only do so much research and personal reflection without speaking to a professional.

I will close this entry for now. I have to go pick up my daughter from school and I also have a lot of homework that I need to take care of. (I'm a bit behind)

Take care all,


(-:

Article on ADD and Non Verbal Learning Disorder

Not only have I been doing research on Asperger's syndrome but I have also come across a condition called Non Verbal Learning Disorder which seems to be related or similar.
I have, in the past, been diagnosed with ADD. I always had the feeling that the diagnoses was not exactly correct.


~ Here is the link to the article (To my friends with ADD, this article is from a magazine called ADDitude. It's created especially for people with ADD/ADHD.):

Maybe It’s Not ADD After All

Here are a few highlights from the magazine:

Marci did well academically in grades one and two, although she didn't have many friends. Her third-grade teachers said she seemed inattentive in class, blurted out inappropriate comments, and bumped into classmates clumsily when they lined up for recess. Later that year, Marci was diagnosed with ADD. But Ritalin didn't help. Neither did Adderall.

Given her obvious intelligence, her teachers considered her C average evidence of laziness or defiance.

Nonverbal learning disorder (NLD) is a constellation of brain-based difficulties. Once considered rare, NLD is now thought to be as prevalent as dyslexia. Strongly genetic in origin, NLD affects girls as freqently as boys and is characterized by poor visual, spatial, and organizational skills, poor motor performance, and difficulty recognizing and processing nonverbal cues - body language, facial expression, and the nuances of conversation.

* Despite their facility with language, kids with NLD often have poor reading comprehension. A child with NLD may miss the forest and the trees because of his intense focus on the leaves. After reading a book about the Civil War, for instance, the child might be able to name and describe each battlefield - yet fail to recognize that the conflict was about slavery and federalism.

At first glance, children with NLD seem to behave like those with ADD, but the appropriate interventions are not the same. A child with NLD may have trouble sitting still and may bump into people. But this isn't due to hyperactivity - it's due to his poor balance and coordination, and trouble with visuospatial relationships.

NLD varies from child to child, and is not defined as a separate entity in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. For diagnosis, a child must undergo neuropsychological testing, speech and language assessment, and educational and occupational therapy evaluations.

kids with NLD usually demonstrate a verbal I.Q. that's 20 or more points higher than their performance I.Q. (Verbal I.Q. is a measure of a child's language ability. Performance I.Q. measures how well he makes use of what he knows.) Another test, the Brown ADD Scales, can help differentiate NLD from ADD.

5 finals out of the way but a little girl to work on.

I am done with all 5 finals for the fall semester! woo hoo!

I am ready to collapse into a dark comfy corner with big fluffy pillows and sleep for a week straight.

I can't do that though. My daughter is suffering and it is not fair.

All of these stresses we have had the past few years have affected my oldest daughter and she is not doing well in school right now. I have suspected ADD for a long time (even before the problems) but I am not quick to blame things on that because the majority of the problem is our situation and all the strain we have been through the past two years. I had to take a job on top of school to help pay the bills (and ironically daycare) and she has been going downhill since then.

The terrible thing is that I don't see an end to it anytime soon.

I don't know what to do. Her teacher doesn't know what to do and is ready to give up on her. We had a conference last week and N is one of ‘those’ students that take up a majority of the teacher’s time during class because she needs constant guidance and direction. There are 19 other students and N is one of three that needs a lot of attention.
She doesn't follow directions;
She doesn't listen or pay attention.
She daydreams and talks all day and doesn't finish any of her work.

This is a common “N” thing lately:

N's kindergarten teacher had N sit and finish her project while the other students did an art project. She did this because N didn't finish before the other students. In fact, she didn't even start.
She told N that when she finished she could join everyone else in making an art project which was to resemble a crown with candles on it.
Well, N decided she would take her current, unfinished, project and turn it into the art project that everyone else was doing, proceeding to cut up her paper into 'candles' for the crown.

Another consistent problem is this:

When ever the teacher asks her a question she can't answer! Let me rephrase that: She WON'T answer. She will blurt out the correct answers over other students, during their turn, but not when it is her turn. She is not a bad kid. The teacher says that she is a sweetheart but she has no self control.

You know what is even more frustrating about this!

I KNOW she knows these things. She was even doing great before I started this job and I was told that she had made a complete turn around. (She was having difficulties the beginning of the year)
I quiz her all the time at home! She talks about the letter sounds at home. She reads some words and, yes, at home, she needs CONSTANT redirection and attention but it is just me and she and she knows the stuff.
She could be at the top of her class if she wanted to but N just does what N wants to do.
What am I going to do when she has to take a major test!

I get told she has the potential but she is not performing according to her potential. Her teacher is worried that they may have to hold her back if things don't improve. She comes home crying almost everyday lately and is acting up at home.
And then. . .

The worse blow came this morning:

She is affected socially as well.
I took N to class this morning and (In the hallway before the bell rang) my outgoing, talkative little girl was ignored by her friends. It was like my daughter had a disease and they didn't want to touch her. Why oh why...

What the hell did I do wrong? She doesn't deserve this. I have to do something.
I can't let my daughter suffer like this anymore.

Good things about ADD.

I just love the use of the words "beyond the average person", and "mere mortal". ha ha

Here is the link:http://www.healthyplace.com/COMMUNITIES/add/gail/article_good_things.htm


Good Things About Being ADHD

We:

• Are highly motivated, persistent, and stimulated by many of the intellectual challenges, which are beyond the average person.
• Can be spontaneous, imaginative, creative, a little eccentric and able to express ourselves in the most unique ways.
• Make great scientists, artists, actors and entrepreneurs.
• Are often bursting with high energy and able to meet and beat challenges with zeal.
• Become stimulated by intrigue and inspired by the novelty involved in change.
• Can be keen observers, with an ability to find quick solutions to situations many mere mortals find complicated.
• Are very resourceful, and can devise ingenious means of accomplishing things.
• Think laterally and solve problems in very distinctive ways.
• Can juggle many balls in the air at once, and think about lots of different things at the same time.
• Are humorous, often with a keen wit and an ability or talent to make others laugh too.
• Can be extremely diligent with a never-say-die approach to life's problems.
• Are not afraid to take risks, often seeing risk-taking as a form of stimulation.

And our children, can be kind, thoughtful and often enjoy doing things for other people.