The weird girl in hiding. . part I

Since I can remember I was always that "weird girl". I was quiet and kept to myself. In fact I didn't even talk to anyone unless forced to nor did I interact with my peers until I was in the third grade. During my childhood, my friendships were always initiated by adults, other friends and/or almost always situational. (We attended summer school together or went to the same church)

As I hit my teenage years I took a few more chances and perhaps 8 times out of 10 I didn't scare the person off. As I completed high school (just barely) I planned to join the Navy and enlisted in the delayed entry program.

This is when I began to change my life. . I ran around the neighborhood every day and kept my social interactions to a minimum. I was calmer and focused, on my own, but still just as clueless when immersed within a group of people.

When I joined the armed forces my physical fitness and persistence is what made me successful. That and a nice, "squared away" uniform. It was easy to just be told what to do and where to go. Still I was constantly screwing up at work but the above seemed to deem me in good standing with my superiors. Perhaps my quiet demeanor coupled with my young age was seen as an endearing quality to some. I shall never know. Command functions were my main means of socialization and were eventually quite predictable. After work I either spent my time at the gym or back at the barracks.

While living on base I would sometimes take the bus, alone, to the movies or the gym and almost never went into a social situation unless invited by others. I was still dubbed "a little weird" or "mute girl" by my military peers. My roommate even told me I was a little weird but she liked me anyway. A bitter sweet compliment? The few situational friends that I had would plan outings now and then that I was invited to attend.

This is how I met my future husband. He was a friend of a friend and didn't seem to notice my strange demeanor and we got along just fine. He was from another country that he was learning to navigate socially. I could relate to him. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend but I stuck around anyway. I didn't have to socialize with anyone when I was with him and he was charming and practically did it for me. It would be fair to say that I hid behind him when with a group of people.

Time went by , we married , had children and I was no longer that "weird girl". I was so and so's wife and a mother. I seemed normal. Unusually normal in some sickening sort of way. Having children, especially, forced me to socialize and I soon learned the lingo of motherhood as I attended parenting groups. Amongst these groups were a few online communities I found on the internet.

I was in a parallel universe that I found was not much different from the real world. I could still see everyone else around me connecting with each other while I stood on the outside. But it was also that social universe that did connect me with people and that "universe" that helped me make it through one of the hardest transitions I have ever experienced.

The past few years have been the hardest. I no longer have the military to guide me. I have failed at my relationship with my husband and with others in the civilian community which include those that I have attended college with and the other parents of my children within this society I currently reside in.
I can see the same patterns repeating themselves.,
I ran away from something only to find out I can't hide from it anymore. . . .

I'm so sick of this

I'm tired of N being picked on at school and coming home upset because of it. She's overly sensitive and the kids know that so they love to get her going. I've tried to talk to her and help and I've talked to her teacher.

She came upset today and has been having numerous meltdowns. (which occurs at least a few times a week. Especially at the end of the week)
She finally told me that all of the other girls were invited to a party except for her.

I'm just sick of this.

I tell my husband and his only responses are of the following:

We need to enroll her in martial arts

or

When I was her age nobody messed with me because I could defend myself.

And then he proceeds to criticize me by indirectly calling me a pacifist. He doesn't understand my difficulties with socializing and scoffs at me because of it.
oh and,
Apparently its my fault and I should agree with him that Miriam should punch and kick kids who call her names?

I'm in tears. I don't know how to handle this.

tired. . of it all

* I had to drop another class. It's O.K though. I have nothing to prove by taking five classes, raising my kids, trying to clean my nasty house after my husband, and dealing with an over affectionate, controlling man while trying to finish this degree.

* I was spending too much time comparing myself to other people when I am not like them. I need to do things at my own pace. I know I will finish this. I'm one of the most persistent people I know. I have to be. I have to accept that I don't learn things in the same way as everyone else. That should build my character instead of bring me down.

* I've been getting more and more resentful as time goes by. My husband is controlling and jealous and I'm getting sick of trying to teach him how to parent and I'm getting sick of the way he talks to me in front of our children. I'm not much better but, in my defense, he constantly irritates and provokes me. He won't leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. Why the hell does he need constant praise, attention, and conversation. I am so tired of him I feel I am going to be sick.

* I've decided that I want to get my tubes tied. I know that having another child will only ensue in a mental break down for myself. I have my two little girls and they couldn't be more perfect. The man is the one I can not deal with. He sucks every last bit of energy out of me and adding another person to the mix will send me over the edge. There are many other reasons I don't want more children.

* I'm tired of hearing from my husband "when we have the boy". He adds that to all conversations about the future. I don't even think I want to be married to him in the future but I don't want to tear my family apart either. I told him that I don't want more children and he won't hear it. I know he will try to convince me by saying it over and over and over hoping that I will eventually give in and say "O.K. fine". You can die from such a man.

I can't do this anymore.

Damn phone

OK, my husband talks to his dad on the phone every day. fine. Weird, but fine.
If we are out or if my husband is out, (I don't answer the phone) he will call, literally, every 5 damn minutes. He will leave about 20 messages until my husband calls him back.

WTF?!

If we move close to them I am going to have to put up with even more of this.

I am so tired of hearing this fucking phone ringing right now. I'm going to smash the damn thing into the wall.

My thoughts on the leap year

well, I might as well admit that I have been feeling so down lately that I am barely functioning. The bad things about feeling this way is that all the memories from the last times I have felt this way, including from when I was a child, come flooding back so vividly, only to pull me down further into this hole.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to leave my bed in the morning. I don't want to go home. My grades are failing. I'm just not good at this life thing right now.

I know I will get out of this. The mind has a way of pulling you out when you least expect it. I have no control over it.
I won't even mention the things I was thinking about in this state of mind.

At least this morning did go OK. I went to the library and was able to get some studying done. (Despite the fact two librarians were talking about their hair for well over 20 minutes. huh? What a stimulating conversation. [sarcasm])

My husband told me last night that the only thing keeping him to me is the girls. (this was during one of my meltdowns which enabled from being able to speak very well. Not one of my strong suits anyways. [speaking about my feelings that is] Perhaps he felt that was the reason to disregard the fact that I do have feelings and he has no right to dictate what they are.)

(Of course, I am going to admit (regarding my husband) that that is how I have felt for a very long time. I just can't stand to be around him most of the time. It has gradually been getting worse over the past few years and some days I can not even stand for him to touch me.)

But what do I do when sometimes I feel I need him so much just to help me complete every day tasks. I can't even do that without screwing something up. I seriously suck at this domestic, mother thing. (Yes, I love my children so please don't go there) and then I go to work (when I am working) and I fuck up everything there as well.

Well, I'm not entirely coherent right now. Obviously. I just needed to get that out because my husband says that "I don't have time for this depression bullshit". So there you go.

There have also been some other feelings of mine that have been surfacing lately. I was so happy to finally figure a few more things out. (I'm still a little confused but I was happy) Well, then, of course, what happens when I am happy? (which is rare) I crash. HARD.

Apparently I'm a heartless B*tch.

We had an "argument" tonight. My husband informed me that I am incapable of providing affection. He made it clear that if we ever got divorced he would take the girls. (I never bring up divorce. He always does.) I called him an SOB for saying that and he played the "My mother died when I was young" victim card and informed me that his mother wasn't a bitch and I didn't know her. He informed me that he is the only one "motivating" and holding the family together. I informed him otherwise. The argument got quite stupid and his response to every discontented comment of mine was "then why are you with me?" or "why don't you go with someone else?" The truth is that I wouldn't be with anyone else. He is the only one that tolerates and has accepted me for who I am. He's the only one that stuck around for more than a few weeks. I guess I have to find some way to tell him this before I loose him but I honestly don't know how and he keeps pushing me when I want to be left alone. I just don't have it in me to be what he wants.

husband making friends?

Well, today our phone rang and it was for my husband!

His 'friend' wanted to go to the gym with him. He had just missed my husband whom had just walked out the door a few minutes ago. My husband had spoken with his 'friend' yesterday while at the gym (yay, he went to the gym!) and told his 'friend' to give a call should he decide to go to the gym together. I hope this will last. You see, my husband is the master of small talk but rarely lives up to his word. I guess that is typical of those 'normal' people or perhaps the typical male stereotypes that speak to each other on a regular basis? (As you can tell I'm not one of them) They make false promises to keep up a conversation? I'm hoping not but I really want to see my husband do this gym thing on a regular basis which will be difficult since we both are going to have classes this summer. Perhaps they will make "play dates" together a few times a week and he can get out of my hair and stop talking my ear off. (-;

My husband is a social genius (supposedly) yet doesn't socialize like the average American male. I believe it's partly a cultural thing as he's not from the U.S. He doesn't hang out and watch sports or go to bars and since I don't socialize he doesn’t' get dragged along to play dates either. You see, unlike me, my husband needs to have friends and conversations on a regular basis. Otherwise he will be breathing down my neck 24 - 7. He is a social butterfly and I need my space. Otherwise we compliment each other perfectly. He teaches me how to navigate social situations and I attempt to teach him, erm, humility? So, even though he agrees with me that most people seem superficial and shallow, he can still play the game and I just watch in amazement.

Yay! My husband has a friend and I'm going to let him go out and play!


I have a squirming baby in my lap so I shall close this now. One can hope right?

Well I told him

I dumped the mother load on my husband last night.  He was supportive in a bit of a patronizing way.  I don't need this. 

I've been doing more research on Asperger's in women.  I have no doubt in my mind and everything I read confirms this even more. The funny thing is is that it is the little things that people do.  The mannerisms, the way they speak that seems so strangely familiar to me.  I can't explain that to him. 
 I have no support.
 I just want to crawl in a fucking hole right now. 

 

Perhaps I just need to give him more time.

Off to do some more homework. I'm behind as usual and I have a test tonight and another one tomorrow.  Wish me luck. 

Overwhelmed

I've been trying to write this paper for one week now. I keep hitting road blocks every time I think I'm getting somewhere with it. I've also been trying to pick up the laundry, do the dishes, sort the piles of paper, vacuum, put away everyone's clothes, and just create a somewhat sanitary environment for my children to live in yet I've failed at all of those so far. Everyone tells me I'm doing well but I don't feel well. I knew this was going to happen when I went to school. I just didn't know how difficult it was going to be deal with. I feel like I'm trapped in constant filth. I can't concentrate in this environment and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm lucky if I get a shower. Most of the time I will go two or three days. I'm still in my pajamas from yesterday. I have two tests on Tuesday and I have informed my husband that I am sleeping early Wednesday night and not to wake me up if I fall asleep while putting the girls down for the night. Shower or not. Well off to finish this damn paper. I still have homework to finish for this same class and it's all due tomorrow night. Then I get home from school at around 9 p.m. and study for three chapters that I haven't even glanced at yet I have a test on them in the morning. I also have discussion boards to post on the same class and then another test to take for legal that is due by 11 p.m. that night. How many nights can I stay up? No wonder I'm going nuts. I will at least try to remember to brush my teeth before bed. Pray I complete this degree because I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.

Somebody knock me out please.

Day #3 with migraine.

I still continue to do all I need to get done;

I study, get on the computer and attend my on-line classes (staring at the computer screen can not be good for any head ache,I cook lunch (well, maybe I will just heat it up or throw together a sandwich)I take almost no medication because I have to get in the car and drive, I drop off my children and pick them up from school and then listen to a screaming 20 month old and fighting, whining, screaming children until my husband comes home and rescues me.

No, wait. He doesn't rescue me. That's only wishful thinking. He tries but instead I listen to him talk non-stop, (telling me he knows what can fix that headache) on top of a screaming baby, and rambunctious, smart-mouthed, loquacious, 6 year old until I go to sleep AND if I'm lucky I will fall asleep before him. If not, I listen to him snore because he refuses to get a sleep study done and take care of his problem.

Gee, I wonder why this headache won't go away.

Well, as soon as bed time comes around, I'm taking the good medicine.

Angry fleas

My husband informed me, today, that I have “angry fleas”.
I don’t know from what origin this expression came from but I have no doubt that he made it up just to annoy me.
After placing me with this label approximately fifteen times, (and an hour later) he stated that it meant that I have a bad temper.

Me: “Like an animal with “angry fleas?”   That's fn stupid.  oh! so you would be the annoying "flea" right? That constantly pesters me day and night, 24 hours a day, , , etc. . .!”

Actually I said a hell of a lot more than that but I will spare you excerpts from one of my many, temporary moments of insanity. (All brought on by my husband, By-the-way.)

Of course, my reaction only amuses him more and supposedly confirms his absurd accusation.

I can't help to think that he is being a little condescending in an "Oh your funny when you're mad" sort of way.  Not to mention, he tends to be a little "colonic" himself.  ('colonic' means tempermental but also has to do with assholes!  how funny!)