The weird girl in hiding. . part I

Since I can remember I was always that "weird girl". I was quiet and kept to myself. In fact I didn't even talk to anyone unless forced to nor did I interact with my peers until I was in the third grade. During my childhood, my friendships were always initiated by adults, other friends and/or almost always situational. (We attended summer school together or went to the same church)

As I hit my teenage years I took a few more chances and perhaps 8 times out of 10 I didn't scare the person off. As I completed high school (just barely) I planned to join the Navy and enlisted in the delayed entry program.

This is when I began to change my life. . I ran around the neighborhood every day and kept my social interactions to a minimum. I was calmer and focused, on my own, but still just as clueless when immersed within a group of people.

When I joined the armed forces my physical fitness and persistence is what made me successful. That and a nice, "squared away" uniform. It was easy to just be told what to do and where to go. Still I was constantly screwing up at work but the above seemed to deem me in good standing with my superiors. Perhaps my quiet demeanor coupled with my young age was seen as an endearing quality to some. I shall never know. Command functions were my main means of socialization and were eventually quite predictable. After work I either spent my time at the gym or back at the barracks.

While living on base I would sometimes take the bus, alone, to the movies or the gym and almost never went into a social situation unless invited by others. I was still dubbed "a little weird" or "mute girl" by my military peers. My roommate even told me I was a little weird but she liked me anyway. A bitter sweet compliment? The few situational friends that I had would plan outings now and then that I was invited to attend.

This is how I met my future husband. He was a friend of a friend and didn't seem to notice my strange demeanor and we got along just fine. He was from another country that he was learning to navigate socially. I could relate to him. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend but I stuck around anyway. I didn't have to socialize with anyone when I was with him and he was charming and practically did it for me. It would be fair to say that I hid behind him when with a group of people.

Time went by , we married , had children and I was no longer that "weird girl". I was so and so's wife and a mother. I seemed normal. Unusually normal in some sickening sort of way. Having children, especially, forced me to socialize and I soon learned the lingo of motherhood as I attended parenting groups. Amongst these groups were a few online communities I found on the internet.

I was in a parallel universe that I found was not much different from the real world. I could still see everyone else around me connecting with each other while I stood on the outside. But it was also that social universe that did connect me with people and that "universe" that helped me make it through one of the hardest transitions I have ever experienced.

The past few years have been the hardest. I no longer have the military to guide me. I have failed at my relationship with my husband and with others in the civilian community which include those that I have attended college with and the other parents of my children within this society I currently reside in.
I can see the same patterns repeating themselves.,
I ran away from something only to find out I can't hide from it anymore. . . .

Since 2005

Since I have been separated from the Navy, my life has been a living hell.

I'm realizing now that I have always been dependent on something or somebody. I'm admitting, for the first time, that I have never really been independent at all. Ever. (This bothers me.)
I'm also realizing that I hide behind my children and my husband way too much and I worry that they will either leave me or figure me out.
Of course, that is not right structure for my children.

When I was in the Navy I had a lot of structure.
*Whenever I had to do something major I was told what to do and how to do it and when to do it. (Not always why (-; )

*I had shelter and money and medical.

*I had a superior to ask questions of. I could screw up and not get fired. (Not that I have before but I should have for some of the things I messed up while in the military.)

*I was forced to socialize but I was able to make may way around because the situations eventually got predictable.

*It was always the same thing.

*I was, very often (not always), in the ideal situation and was able to establish my own little space.

I did quite well sometimes.

Now I'm scared and confused all of the time. I feel like I'm in a house of cards and it's about to topple over. (O.K. I stole that metaphor from someone. I'm not very creative right now)

All my weaknesses are now coming to the surface.

The advantage of my psychology obsession whilst in the Navy.

This, of course, is only a theory I have and I prefer not to say that I was "just lucky" but "persevered through thick and thin" by staying in the military for so long. I will never know for sure but I do know that I did serve a significant time in the military despite my perceived disabilities and I also know that I am not the only one who has achieved this. (This observation has been made upon reading endless blogs and posts from members who have served in the military and been later diagnosed with Asperger's/NVLD upon or after discharge.)

I don't wonder how the diagnosis was missed. For one, my ADD diagnosis, received while in the military, was not very thorough and I basically told them, "this is my problem. Will you please treat me for it?". I went to the psychology ward (Otherwise known as the 9th floor of the hospital where you didn't want to be seen unless you were going to the "library" conveniently located behind the "psych ward".) after being told by my supervisor that he thinks I have ADD because I don't make eye contact. (He thought I was distracted while he was talking to me when in fact I was listening. I just cant do both at the same time but I didn't know that then and believed what people told me.)

Let's just say I know how to fill out the questionnaires. (-; I know which things on the questionnaire are considered "depressive", and "schizoid" tendencies and I know that one would basically have to lie if you do or have had any problems. It's quite easy actually. I didn't admit to any depression or any particular thing that I know would be questioned by the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was terrified and I also believe that the only people who honestly answer those questions are the ones who want to be separated. I didn't.

During my time in the Navy,I also received bad advice from a community college counselor, and went for a very bad evaluation from a seedy disability office in the area. I was young and naive and didn't realize that what I needed to do was see a specialist which would not have been provided to me while I was in the Navy anyways. The disability office basically told me that I was uneducated and stupid even though I never received an IQ test from them. Of course I looked young and mentally healthy so my theory now is that they probably thought I was trying to "scam" the system and they were trying to "teach me a lesson". The experience hurt my already fragile ego and disenfranchised me even more. (I'll tell this story another time.)

So, to make a long story short, I knew how to answer the psych questions, I took the medications that pretty much only made me hyper, more aggressive than usual (which was seen as a good thing by the people I worked for), and sick from the side effects, and continued to get treated for ADD which, I, at the time, did believe I had.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered Asperger's and NVLD. This has opened a whole new realm of answers to questions I've always had and has removed the blame from myself and other members of my family for many things. (I also know that I am not stupid and uneducated) Not to mention, this revelation has helped me with my psych obsession by giving me new information to research. (O.K, so that is not good for my schooling which happens to be unrelated to my obsessions) It has opened my eyes to another world and culture that I believe that I may be part of.

What would've happened had I stayed in the military? Well, I shall speculate on that another time.