19th of June, 2007. little things.

Today my internet stopped working. I was in the middle of a project I had procrastinated on until the last minute and, go figure, I needed the internet to finish it and only four more hours to do so. I rearranged my equipment, unplugged, replugged,restarted, did a bunch of stuff with the modem,(Don't ask me what, I don't know) and gave up in frustration. I was sure that it was simple, I could see what the problem was, yet I couldn't fix it. I whacked the modem a few times out of desperation but that wasn't it either. (Hey, it worked before with my TV)
Finally I called my husband and informed him I was going to go to the college and use the computer lab. I had only one problem; "honey, where is my student ID?" and "I still have to pick up M from daycare before three." Well, my ID was in the car, at my husband's work and it was almost 2, which was when I had to pick up my daughter. I was pacing and wringing my hands and an absolute mess. The little things always get me. The major things I can deal with. I was freaking out and trying to plan on driving to my husbands work, get my ID and have M stay at daycare until later just because I was too stupid to fix the damn computer and get my work done on time.
Finally I put my pride to the side and called tech support only to find out that I had already done what he was telling me to do already (I was annoyed half way through the conversation. The customer service was good but very annoying) and the computer started working during my second try anyways. I was just too upset to notice. ~sigh~

F*ck, F*ck, F*ck,

Not graduating until next Spring.

I'm kicking myself for not finishing my math classes when I was in the Navy.

I have to work now. I need to find a damn job.

My electric has been shut off this month already and then I had to pay a fee to re-connect it. (Even though I made the payment right before it was shut off. bastards.)

I'm hoping to at least be able to get my coding certificate this summer but that all depends on the good graces of my teacher(WTF)and I'm not in her good graces.

I just want the floor to swallow me up right now.

There is so much more. I'm just too tired to do this right now.

I'll write more about my marriage later. I just feel like I'm playing house right now and I don't want to play anymore.

I'm seriously just fucking everything up. You think I would learn by this point in my life. I'm still trying to figure things out.

tired. . of it all

* I had to drop another class. It's O.K though. I have nothing to prove by taking five classes, raising my kids, trying to clean my nasty house after my husband, and dealing with an over affectionate, controlling man while trying to finish this degree.

* I was spending too much time comparing myself to other people when I am not like them. I need to do things at my own pace. I know I will finish this. I'm one of the most persistent people I know. I have to be. I have to accept that I don't learn things in the same way as everyone else. That should build my character instead of bring me down.

* I've been getting more and more resentful as time goes by. My husband is controlling and jealous and I'm getting sick of trying to teach him how to parent and I'm getting sick of the way he talks to me in front of our children. I'm not much better but, in my defense, he constantly irritates and provokes me. He won't leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. Why the hell does he need constant praise, attention, and conversation. I am so tired of him I feel I am going to be sick.

* I've decided that I want to get my tubes tied. I know that having another child will only ensue in a mental break down for myself. I have my two little girls and they couldn't be more perfect. The man is the one I can not deal with. He sucks every last bit of energy out of me and adding another person to the mix will send me over the edge. There are many other reasons I don't want more children.

* I'm tired of hearing from my husband "when we have the boy". He adds that to all conversations about the future. I don't even think I want to be married to him in the future but I don't want to tear my family apart either. I told him that I don't want more children and he won't hear it. I know he will try to convince me by saying it over and over and over hoping that I will eventually give in and say "O.K. fine". You can die from such a man.

I can't do this anymore.

Overwhelmed

I've been trying to write this paper for one week now. I keep hitting road blocks every time I think I'm getting somewhere with it. I've also been trying to pick up the laundry, do the dishes, sort the piles of paper, vacuum, put away everyone's clothes, and just create a somewhat sanitary environment for my children to live in yet I've failed at all of those so far. Everyone tells me I'm doing well but I don't feel well. I knew this was going to happen when I went to school. I just didn't know how difficult it was going to be deal with. I feel like I'm trapped in constant filth. I can't concentrate in this environment and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm lucky if I get a shower. Most of the time I will go two or three days. I'm still in my pajamas from yesterday. I have two tests on Tuesday and I have informed my husband that I am sleeping early Wednesday night and not to wake me up if I fall asleep while putting the girls down for the night. Shower or not. Well off to finish this damn paper. I still have homework to finish for this same class and it's all due tomorrow night. Then I get home from school at around 9 p.m. and study for three chapters that I haven't even glanced at yet I have a test on them in the morning. I also have discussion boards to post on the same class and then another test to take for legal that is due by 11 p.m. that night. How many nights can I stay up? No wonder I'm going nuts. I will at least try to remember to brush my teeth before bed. Pray I complete this degree because I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.

Somebody knock me out please.

Day #3 with migraine.

I still continue to do all I need to get done;

I study, get on the computer and attend my on-line classes (staring at the computer screen can not be good for any head ache,I cook lunch (well, maybe I will just heat it up or throw together a sandwich)I take almost no medication because I have to get in the car and drive, I drop off my children and pick them up from school and then listen to a screaming 20 month old and fighting, whining, screaming children until my husband comes home and rescues me.

No, wait. He doesn't rescue me. That's only wishful thinking. He tries but instead I listen to him talk non-stop, (telling me he knows what can fix that headache) on top of a screaming baby, and rambunctious, smart-mouthed, loquacious, 6 year old until I go to sleep AND if I'm lucky I will fall asleep before him. If not, I listen to him snore because he refuses to get a sleep study done and take care of his problem.

Gee, I wonder why this headache won't go away.

Well, as soon as bed time comes around, I'm taking the good medicine.

10 reasons why I'll never settle for a 'C'

I don't only need to finish this degree but I need to do well. Our professor said that she is happy if we get a C.
I don't agree.
I won't settle for a C.

Because:

1. All of my young life I've been lead to believe that I am stupid and nothing much was expected of me from my friends and family.
2. I used to believe I was stupid and that has kept me from accomplishing anything that I have truly wanted in this life.
3. I've always felt as if everyone was just one step ahead of me and I could never catch up. I want to be on the other end for a change.
4. To know that I have worked hard for it and I'm not just 'scraping by' like I did in high school and the Navy.
5. When I was told by my mother "I'll be happy if you bring home a C. I don't expect all A's" it felt as if she was telling me "I don't expect much out of you." and that has stuck with me all my life.
6. I really like being on that deans list.
7. I've never finished anything in my life. Only started with enthusiasm only to have it all crash down and never happen.
8. Mediocrity is no longer good enough.
9. This will open up the doors for me and my family and it can only get better from there.
10. I need to prove it to myself. I will finish this.

Off to a rough start.

I hate to admit that I am struggling this semester.

The work is piling up, I've failed a test, missed a class, turned in two late assignments, missed one assignment & I am completely lost in my coding class. I am also pretty sure that I won’t do well on this test tomorrow.

I get so pissed off when I see someone younger than me with an education, a great career, a house and wonder "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Why am I almost thirty years old and still working on my associates?” And then I wonder if perhaps I am just stupid and "A late bloomer" as my mother would put it. (Thanks mom) I know I'm not an idiot but I just can't help but wish I had made entirely different decisions in life.
But I really don't have anyone else to blame but myself.

I just continue to catastrophise, worry, obsess, and end up feeling sorry for myself and procrastinating even more on my homework. I know that I have to suck it up and keep going but I have no motivation to continue right now.