Supposed to . . .

Things are supposed to be better by now.
I'm supposed to have acquired more foresight.
I'm supposed to have a degree already.
I'm supposed to be successful by now.
I'm supposed to be a better mom.
I'm supposed to be able to help my daughter with her homework.
I'm supposed to be able to carry on a conversation with people and make small talk and sit through a job interview just like everyone else.
I'm supposed to want to be married and want a nice wedding and a little house with a yard, 2 dogs and a husband.
I'm supposed to want to stay home with my children and not be resentful.
I'm supposed to care what other people think.
I'm supposed to think for myself and be charismatic and independent.
I'm supposed to be outgoing and friendly.
I'm supposed to be a good friend and try to help other people even if they don't tell me.
I'm supposed to be able to know anyways.
I'm supposed to understand politics in everyday life.
I'm supposed to be able to read between the lines.
I'm supposed to get the joke.
I'm not supposed to be the joke.
I'm supposed to be able to have friends who want to be my friends because they like me and not because they feel sorry for me.
I'm not supposed to be the victim or look like I'm trying to be.

I've written "supposed" so many times I don't even know what it means anymore because everything I'm supposed to have I don't or I fuck up what I do have only to regret it later and say "How could I be so stupid".
oh, I'm not supposed to curse either, lest I sound like white trash.

oh, yeah. I'm not supposed to sit around feeling sorry for myself either.

No I am exhausted and I haven't even gone anywhere yet.

Family update

My 7 year old M:


I'm going to talk to M's teacher on Monday.
Her teacher thinks she is unusually intelligent but it is not showing it in her work or tests. We have to struggle with her just to get an average performance from her. I'm worried that perhaps I should have held her back in the first grade.
One of my concerns is her motor skills and her handwriting. I'm thinking of getting her more beads to work on her fine motor skills. This may help a bit with handwriting.

I put her hair in braids all this week. She loved it and we didn't have to brush it. (lazy parents!)

It' fits her personality quite well.

My 3 year old N:

Here is an example of one of our conversations today. (-: :

me: N, what color is that (me pointing to her shirt)?
N: "What color"
me: What color is the flower on your shirt?
N: "Color"

I guess she will do it when she is ready.

Me, myself, and I:

My thoughts are a bit random lately and unorganized so I am sure it is apparent when I post on here. I will make it short.

I am taking an internet math class now. I have not even looked at the book and we are a month in. I'm just not able to do it now. I barely holding my house together as it is.

In a fog

I'm really having a hard time lately. I just feel so confused and even less able to read people as usual. (Which would be not at all?)

I'm forcing myself to be in more social situations but, as usual, am just faking it. I think it is obvious because people just stop talking to me after a little while.
I'm sure that the stress is making it a lot more difficult for me to act normal. (and it is just acting unfortunately) I do this so that I don't seem too strange to other people.
(I don't know how to explain this so forgive me as my ability to make myself clear through writing seems to be suffering as well)

I am "fighting" a lot more (and find it impossible) to make any sort of eye contact, at all, lately when I am speaking to someone. I even close my eyes sometimes when I talk (That is if I don't start to stammer and am able to speak clearly in the first place)in order to make my point. Quite frequently I will pause mid sentence and forget what I am talking about. It won't be until later that I realize that I was talking to someone and just stopped all of a sudden. I must appear crazy and strange to many people and I really hate that about myself.

I know that the stress I have been experiencing the past few years makes every aspect of life very difficult (it would for anybody!) and I seem to only be able to concentrate on one aspect of my life at a time.

The thought of being evaluated for NVLD and aspergers syndrome has constantly been coming back into my mind. I really don't know if I should bother. Perhaps it would be best just to see a therapist?

Then the following thought pattern emerges as I think of the previous: "Well, if I see a therapist, maybe my children should too but I know that I can't afford for everyone to go to therapy and I have to put my children first, etc. . ." So, as you can see, being evaluated is the last thing that I need to be doing right now.

Well, right now my children are beckoning for my attention so I will go tend to them as a mommy should. Only time will tell me what I really should be doing and I do need to be patient until I am able to step outside of myself and see things in a different light.

Only then will I have a few more answers.

For my "Aspie" friends (-:

I thought I would promote this little website I belong to. (Some of you might be on it already)
It's sort of like a myspace/blogging/social site for adults on the spectrum..

aspieSocial

The windmills of my mind

My mind is constantly going forward at an accelerated pace.

Sometimes I fear that I may lose some ultra creative thought that I will never be able to regain again unless I write it down on a piece of paper.
Some sort of epiphany that will only make me more aware if I can re-read at a later date in my future thus figuring out my life and it's entire meaning? ha ha

I will pace back and forth throughout my apartment or I may just lay there for hours (perhaps if subjected to a bout of depression. Another wonderful curse of mine) with my head racing and my fantasies replacing this reality that I am not wishing to be part of right now.

The funny thing is that there never seems to be anything to relax me.

Yes, I'm going through some momentous stress, currently, but I am always like this and having a few drinks, in order to relax, only makes me worse! I still get told that I "think too much" (and that I need to relax).

I fidget constantly day and night and I can not hold still no matter how hard I try. (and if I attempt to do so I even twitch!)
I can only imagine how I must appear to other people because of these Idiosyncrasies.

The funny thing is that it appears to be getting worse as I get older but domestic pressure and lack of job security sure seem to make it about one-thousand times worse as of lately. The only thing that calms me (sometimes) is my medication and (usually) running and weight lifting but I have to change my routine constantly so that I don't hit that "plateau" that so many athletes experience when they need to increase the intensity in order to get the same results. (or keep from getting bored which is another problem of mine)

What I wouldn't give for a calm mind and a big deep breath to release all this pent up energy and anxiety. What I wouldn't give to be able to narrow down my thoughts to only a few at a time instead of being constantly bombarded by them all at once. Perhaps then I could accomplish something brilliant?

I fear I am doomed to never be still but it is quite funny (In a cruel way) that I happen appear that way to other people. Calm. "too calm" as I am told. I appear to be a bit phlegmatic when I am actually quite the opposite. Perhaps if I was able to express myself in the way that I wish I would not feel as if I was about to burst from the inside-out.

Enough of this for now. I need some rest. I have a mid-term to take tomorrow and my mind has been racing to quickly which has been keeping me from studying sufficiently. Perhaps a little sleep is in order instead.

19th of June, 2007. little things.

Today my internet stopped working. I was in the middle of a project I had procrastinated on until the last minute and, go figure, I needed the internet to finish it and only four more hours to do so. I rearranged my equipment, unplugged, replugged,restarted, did a bunch of stuff with the modem,(Don't ask me what, I don't know) and gave up in frustration. I was sure that it was simple, I could see what the problem was, yet I couldn't fix it. I whacked the modem a few times out of desperation but that wasn't it either. (Hey, it worked before with my TV)
Finally I called my husband and informed him I was going to go to the college and use the computer lab. I had only one problem; "honey, where is my student ID?" and "I still have to pick up M from daycare before three." Well, my ID was in the car, at my husband's work and it was almost 2, which was when I had to pick up my daughter. I was pacing and wringing my hands and an absolute mess. The little things always get me. The major things I can deal with. I was freaking out and trying to plan on driving to my husbands work, get my ID and have M stay at daycare until later just because I was too stupid to fix the damn computer and get my work done on time.
Finally I put my pride to the side and called tech support only to find out that I had already done what he was telling me to do already (I was annoyed half way through the conversation. The customer service was good but very annoying) and the computer started working during my second try anyways. I was just too upset to notice. ~sigh~

F*ck, F*ck, F*ck,

Not graduating until next Spring.

I'm kicking myself for not finishing my math classes when I was in the Navy.

I have to work now. I need to find a damn job.

My electric has been shut off this month already and then I had to pay a fee to re-connect it. (Even though I made the payment right before it was shut off. bastards.)

I'm hoping to at least be able to get my coding certificate this summer but that all depends on the good graces of my teacher(WTF)and I'm not in her good graces.

I just want the floor to swallow me up right now.

There is so much more. I'm just too tired to do this right now.

I'll write more about my marriage later. I just feel like I'm playing house right now and I don't want to play anymore.

I'm seriously just fucking everything up. You think I would learn by this point in my life. I'm still trying to figure things out.