Since 2005

Since I have been separated from the Navy, my life has been a living hell.

I'm realizing now that I have always been dependent on something or somebody. I'm admitting, for the first time, that I have never really been independent at all. Ever. (This bothers me.)
I'm also realizing that I hide behind my children and my husband way too much and I worry that they will either leave me or figure me out.
Of course, that is not right structure for my children.

When I was in the Navy I had a lot of structure.
*Whenever I had to do something major I was told what to do and how to do it and when to do it. (Not always why (-; )

*I had shelter and money and medical.

*I had a superior to ask questions of. I could screw up and not get fired. (Not that I have before but I should have for some of the things I messed up while in the military.)

*I was forced to socialize but I was able to make may way around because the situations eventually got predictable.

*It was always the same thing.

*I was, very often (not always), in the ideal situation and was able to establish my own little space.

I did quite well sometimes.

Now I'm scared and confused all of the time. I feel like I'm in a house of cards and it's about to topple over. (O.K. I stole that metaphor from someone. I'm not very creative right now)

All my weaknesses are now coming to the surface.