Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The weird girl in hiding. . part I

Since I can remember I was always that "weird girl". I was quiet and kept to myself. In fact I didn't even talk to anyone unless forced to nor did I interact with my peers until I was in the third grade. During my childhood, my friendships were always initiated by adults, other friends and/or almost always situational. (We attended summer school together or went to the same church)

As I hit my teenage years I took a few more chances and perhaps 8 times out of 10 I didn't scare the person off. As I completed high school (just barely) I planned to join the Navy and enlisted in the delayed entry program.

This is when I began to change my life. . I ran around the neighborhood every day and kept my social interactions to a minimum. I was calmer and focused, on my own, but still just as clueless when immersed within a group of people.

When I joined the armed forces my physical fitness and persistence is what made me successful. That and a nice, "squared away" uniform. It was easy to just be told what to do and where to go. Still I was constantly screwing up at work but the above seemed to deem me in good standing with my superiors. Perhaps my quiet demeanor coupled with my young age was seen as an endearing quality to some. I shall never know. Command functions were my main means of socialization and were eventually quite predictable. After work I either spent my time at the gym or back at the barracks.

While living on base I would sometimes take the bus, alone, to the movies or the gym and almost never went into a social situation unless invited by others. I was still dubbed "a little weird" or "mute girl" by my military peers. My roommate even told me I was a little weird but she liked me anyway. A bitter sweet compliment? The few situational friends that I had would plan outings now and then that I was invited to attend.

This is how I met my future husband. He was a friend of a friend and didn't seem to notice my strange demeanor and we got along just fine. He was from another country that he was learning to navigate socially. I could relate to him. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend but I stuck around anyway. I didn't have to socialize with anyone when I was with him and he was charming and practically did it for me. It would be fair to say that I hid behind him when with a group of people.

Time went by , we married , had children and I was no longer that "weird girl". I was so and so's wife and a mother. I seemed normal. Unusually normal in some sickening sort of way. Having children, especially, forced me to socialize and I soon learned the lingo of motherhood as I attended parenting groups. Amongst these groups were a few online communities I found on the internet.

I was in a parallel universe that I found was not much different from the real world. I could still see everyone else around me connecting with each other while I stood on the outside. But it was also that social universe that did connect me with people and that "universe" that helped me make it through one of the hardest transitions I have ever experienced.

The past few years have been the hardest. I no longer have the military to guide me. I have failed at my relationship with my husband and with others in the civilian community which include those that I have attended college with and the other parents of my children within this society I currently reside in.
I can see the same patterns repeating themselves.,
I ran away from something only to find out I can't hide from it anymore. . . .

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A "Trip to France" and other desires.

As a child I had always imagined myself with children and a place of my own.
my long drawn out fantasies consisted of me and my stuffed animal "children" staying in my own little place that required no man or significant other to maintain.

I just never imagined anyone else in the picture except for me and my "children".

One of my favorite fantasies consisted of this;

I would imagine traveling to France (My parents went without me one year after planning the trip for a long time, only to leave us home with grandparents.) and taking my "children" with me to a hotel.

With my old "boom box", gifted to me on my birthday or some holiday, I would make cassette tapes full of dialogue and label them "A Trip to France". Once finished, I would listen to the "trip" approximately 10-12 times; only to re-record the fantasy over and over and over again. I would give anything to find that old cassette tape now.

I was always the caregiver in my mind and recall my desire to have my own private abode which was the main part of my imaginary world. I would drive off (or fly because I had super powers), take care of business and come back to my family. I would pretend to invite people now and then but I didn't like anyone trying to change anything.

I imagine my desire to travel and my desire to have my own space without the presence of another person, other than my children, stems from some of these experiences that I've had as a child.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

If it's not a spectrum disorder. . .

Or NVLD then what is it that could be going on with me?

Unfortunately I have a difficult time stepping out of my current situation and the difficulties I am going through cloud my judgment considerably.
I do want to be objective as possible if I was to obtain a psychological/neurological evaluation by a psychologist.

I've looked into personality disorders such as schizoid personality disorder and Obsessive Compulsive disorder (which fits me to a T) and they are something that I could be diagnosed with should I be evaluated. Either way it is important for me to get seen by a professional and get any therapy, help, (or conformation that I am perhaps the worse hypochondriac in the world?) or "piece of mind", as one may put it.

I took some on-line quizzes (not exactly accurate, I know) out of curiosity and I dare to post them here.

Feel free to post yours in response should you stumble across my page but also let me know, if you will, if you have, in fact, been diagnosed with anything before.

Test #1

Link: Online Screening for Personality Disorders

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

  • Schizoid Personality
  • Schizotypal Personality
  • Borderline Personality
  • Obsessive Personality

Test #2

Link: Personality Disorder Test
Paranoid Personality Disorder:High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Very High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:High
Dependent Personality Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Obsessing - the thanksgiving "basket"

Last week I received a call from my daughter's school saying that someone had put our name in to receive a thanksgiving basket for our family. (I thought they were going to ask us for a donation) We have been in a difficult financial situation and it had been made known somewhere down the line.
She gave me the times, day, and location to pick it up at.
Unfortunately that was not enough for me.

Since then, I have been obsessing over what it looks like, what is in it, how heavy it is, how big it is, who I'm going to talk to when I get there, whether or not people are going to be in my way, how I'm going to carry it home on the back of my stroller (we don't have a car), and any thing else you can think of related to any possible obstacles that may occur.

I decided I needed to call and find out (risking possibly offending someone and making them angry with me?) and have been obsessing over making the phone call for the past three days.

Well, I finally did call and now I have found out that we are getting an 11 pound turkey and it is not in fact an actual "basket", per say, but there are two green bags with food in it. (Why do they call it a basket? Is that a metaphor for something?)
Good news is, I can put them on the back of the stroller and walk home with them. yay

I pick them up today and I wonder if I have to return the bags?

edited to add; I did express my gratitude to them. I don't know if I am supposed to do something back? (It was anonymous)
Do I send a thank you card? Where to? The front office? The classroom?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Quotes from "Aspie T-shirts and Gifts"

I love some of these quotes that are printed on T-shirts and mugs from this website: http://www.cafepress.com/buy/aspie/-/pg_3

Here are some of my favorites:


1. Don't feed the Aspie. He doesn't want what you are eating anyways.
2. Don't make too much noise
3. Don't expect lots of eye contact
4. Don't chit chat
5. Don't worry if he flaps or rocks. It's not a problem. REALLY

#2. "I live in my own little world, but don't worry, people know me here."

#3. People with autism:
Do not lie
Do not judge
Do not play mind games
Maybe we can learn something from them.

#4. "It's OK. Some of my best friends are neurotypical."

#5. "No I don't know everything. (I just know a lot more than you do)"

#6. "Today's autistic kid is tomorrow's genius"

#7. "I don't do small talk"

#8. "That was extremely annoying fun. I would like to be alone now do this again sometime. Maybe that was a bad idea we can get together again. "

#9. "Autism isn't so bad but your staring is"

#10. "For success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential" -- Hans Asperger

11. "STOP STARING! and they say I have no social skills. ."

#12. "Kiss my Aspergers"

#13. "Normality. Some day we'll find the cure."

And my absolute favorite:

#14. "If the world was left to you socialites, we would all still be in caves talking to each other." -- Temple Grandin

My medication

Today I started to take my medication again. This medication called Dextroamphetamine and is some pretty powerful stuff. It does help with my depression and motivation but also makes me a little loquacious and aggressive. (I usually don't speak very much)
I've been taking it (off and on) since 1999 when I received my ADD diagnosis in the Navy. I've done my best work while taking the medication but unfortunately I worry that it's not how it is supposed to work.
It doesn't help read people better (Just annoy them a little more when I would normally not talk at all) and it doesn't help with any of my sensitivities. I get more sensitive to lights and people touching me.
Also, my thoughts seem to race a little less only to be contrasted by a lot more "figiting" and if I'm not mistaken the medication is supposed to help with that.
I'm wondering if I would benefit more from an anti-anxiety medication and know that I need to make an appointment to see a professional but I'm hesitating for many reasons, both personal and physical.
for example, I have no car and very little time and money.
My personal reasons would be slightly different since I have never spoken openly or honestly with a mental health professional in fear of it effecting my job.
Only time will tell.
For now I am going to continue to take the medication and try and make an appointment for an evaluation before I run out.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm so sick of this

I'm tired of N being picked on at school and coming home upset because of it. She's overly sensitive and the kids know that so they love to get her going. I've tried to talk to her and help and I've talked to her teacher.

She came upset today and has been having numerous meltdowns. (which occurs at least a few times a week. Especially at the end of the week)
She finally told me that all of the other girls were invited to a party except for her.

I'm just sick of this.

I tell my husband and his only responses are of the following:

We need to enroll her in martial arts


When I was her age nobody messed with me because I could defend myself.

And then he proceeds to criticize me by indirectly calling me a pacifist. He doesn't understand my difficulties with socializing and scoffs at me because of it.
oh and,
Apparently its my fault and I should agree with him that Miriam should punch and kick kids who call her names?

I'm in tears. I don't know how to handle this.