The weird girl in hiding. . part I

Since I can remember I was always that "weird girl". I was quiet and kept to myself. In fact I didn't even talk to anyone unless forced to nor did I interact with my peers until I was in the third grade. During my childhood, my friendships were always initiated by adults, other friends and/or almost always situational. (We attended summer school together or went to the same church)

As I hit my teenage years I took a few more chances and perhaps 8 times out of 10 I didn't scare the person off. As I completed high school (just barely) I planned to join the Navy and enlisted in the delayed entry program.

This is when I began to change my life. . I ran around the neighborhood every day and kept my social interactions to a minimum. I was calmer and focused, on my own, but still just as clueless when immersed within a group of people.

When I joined the armed forces my physical fitness and persistence is what made me successful. That and a nice, "squared away" uniform. It was easy to just be told what to do and where to go. Still I was constantly screwing up at work but the above seemed to deem me in good standing with my superiors. Perhaps my quiet demeanor coupled with my young age was seen as an endearing quality to some. I shall never know. Command functions were my main means of socialization and were eventually quite predictable. After work I either spent my time at the gym or back at the barracks.

While living on base I would sometimes take the bus, alone, to the movies or the gym and almost never went into a social situation unless invited by others. I was still dubbed "a little weird" or "mute girl" by my military peers. My roommate even told me I was a little weird but she liked me anyway. A bitter sweet compliment? The few situational friends that I had would plan outings now and then that I was invited to attend.

This is how I met my future husband. He was a friend of a friend and didn't seem to notice my strange demeanor and we got along just fine. He was from another country that he was learning to navigate socially. I could relate to him. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend but I stuck around anyway. I didn't have to socialize with anyone when I was with him and he was charming and practically did it for me. It would be fair to say that I hid behind him when with a group of people.

Time went by , we married , had children and I was no longer that "weird girl". I was so and so's wife and a mother. I seemed normal. Unusually normal in some sickening sort of way. Having children, especially, forced me to socialize and I soon learned the lingo of motherhood as I attended parenting groups. Amongst these groups were a few online communities I found on the internet.

I was in a parallel universe that I found was not much different from the real world. I could still see everyone else around me connecting with each other while I stood on the outside. But it was also that social universe that did connect me with people and that "universe" that helped me make it through one of the hardest transitions I have ever experienced.

The past few years have been the hardest. I no longer have the military to guide me. I have failed at my relationship with my husband and with others in the civilian community which include those that I have attended college with and the other parents of my children within this society I currently reside in.
I can see the same patterns repeating themselves.,
I ran away from something only to find out I can't hide from it anymore. . . .