Supposed to . . .

Things are supposed to be better by now.
I'm supposed to have acquired more foresight.
I'm supposed to have a degree already.
I'm supposed to be successful by now.
I'm supposed to be a better mom.
I'm supposed to be able to help my daughter with her homework.
I'm supposed to be able to carry on a conversation with people and make small talk and sit through a job interview just like everyone else.
I'm supposed to want to be married and want a nice wedding and a little house with a yard, 2 dogs and a husband.
I'm supposed to want to stay home with my children and not be resentful.
I'm supposed to care what other people think.
I'm supposed to think for myself and be charismatic and independent.
I'm supposed to be outgoing and friendly.
I'm supposed to be a good friend and try to help other people even if they don't tell me.
I'm supposed to be able to know anyways.
I'm supposed to understand politics in everyday life.
I'm supposed to be able to read between the lines.
I'm supposed to get the joke.
I'm not supposed to be the joke.
I'm supposed to be able to have friends who want to be my friends because they like me and not because they feel sorry for me.
I'm not supposed to be the victim or look like I'm trying to be.

I've written "supposed" so many times I don't even know what it means anymore because everything I'm supposed to have I don't or I fuck up what I do have only to regret it later and say "How could I be so stupid".
oh, I'm not supposed to curse either, lest I sound like white trash.

oh, yeah. I'm not supposed to sit around feeling sorry for myself either.

No I am exhausted and I haven't even gone anywhere yet.