tired. . of it all

* I had to drop another class. It's O.K though. I have nothing to prove by taking five classes, raising my kids, trying to clean my nasty house after my husband, and dealing with an over affectionate, controlling man while trying to finish this degree.

* I was spending too much time comparing myself to other people when I am not like them. I need to do things at my own pace. I know I will finish this. I'm one of the most persistent people I know. I have to be. I have to accept that I don't learn things in the same way as everyone else. That should build my character instead of bring me down.

* I've been getting more and more resentful as time goes by. My husband is controlling and jealous and I'm getting sick of trying to teach him how to parent and I'm getting sick of the way he talks to me in front of our children. I'm not much better but, in my defense, he constantly irritates and provokes me. He won't leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. Why the hell does he need constant praise, attention, and conversation. I am so tired of him I feel I am going to be sick.

* I've decided that I want to get my tubes tied. I know that having another child will only ensue in a mental break down for myself. I have my two little girls and they couldn't be more perfect. The man is the one I can not deal with. He sucks every last bit of energy out of me and adding another person to the mix will send me over the edge. There are many other reasons I don't want more children.

* I'm tired of hearing from my husband "when we have the boy". He adds that to all conversations about the future. I don't even think I want to be married to him in the future but I don't want to tear my family apart either. I told him that I don't want more children and he won't hear it. I know he will try to convince me by saying it over and over and over hoping that I will eventually give in and say "O.K. fine". You can die from such a man.

I can't do this anymore.