Warning: Lots of incoherant rambling, bad spelling, grammer, punctuation, and cursing. And probably a bit of stupidity too.
Why? Because I'm a shitty fucking mother? I don't know. I beginning to think my children are going to hate me because I don't talk to anybody.
I'm a good mother when it comes to other things but my daughter doesn't have friends or go on play dates and I don't go meet with random strangers I found on the internet.
She doesn't get invited to play dates from the children at her school and usually the only times that I will have a conversation with another parent is if they have no one else to talk to or my social husband is around. Yes, the people here already seem to know each other and I haven't exactly been made to feel welcome but at the same time they are nice.
It has to be me.
N has been to a few birthday parties (2 to be exact, in the span of 2 years) and we met one of her little friends by mistake, out at the fair, back in February.
I don't know how to make play dates. I don't know how to make the small talk in order to open up the opportunity to ask if the children can play together. I'm also not comfortable having my children play at a strange person's house nor am I comfortable leaving the familiarity of my own. I just can't do it.
You would think my social husband would help but he is one of those people who goes and says "ya, sure, let's get together some time and then doesn't". I can't blame him though.
I don't want my daughter to be seperated from society because of me and the ONLY reason I would want to go out with people I don't know very well is because of my daughter. I love to watch them play and have fun and my oldest daughter likes to go out and find "friends" but I am worried that she doesn't know how to socialize right (despite the fact she is outgoing and wants to play with everyone) and have a conversation with another child and it is all going to be my fault because I don't know how to do any of that.
In case anyone is wondering, (I'm sure anyone that bothered reading this is wondering , "why did she bother to have kids?") I was socialized as a child but I never made my own friends. My mother always sent me to play at other children's houses, she baby sat lots of children, and she always enrolled me in clubs like 4H and Girl Scouts.
I just never figured it out.
I've been trying to fucking figure it out all my life and I am just tired of trying. My husband tells me I have come a long way and he is part of the reason for me even realizing there was a problem. He never judged me. He loved me anyways and was my first ACTUAL relationship. (I even wonder why the hell he sticks around. I'm not easy to live with)
When I joined the Navy a lot of things came to the surface but I was sure that I would learn more skills and be more outgoing in no time. I would be great!! I would be "well rounded". I just needed to "come out of my shell", blah blah blah fucking blah.
I came a long way but I've just constantly been met with frustration and failure. To be quite honest I would love to just stay in my room for the rest of my damn life and not talk to anyone but that is stupid.
The last blow was when I went to a mommy meet up from Gainesville and brought my children. It was hot loud and confusing. My husband socialized plenty and the girls had a great time. (My husband said never again but he is so protective of me)
When I left someone made the comment "next time we will envite someone who talks more."
I was so upset. I thought I had done well and even took the initiative to talk to a few girls and ask them about their children. It was SO FUCKING HARD but I did it but my best effort is another person's worst effort, I suppose.
woe is me, play the violins, boo fucking hoo.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I am frustrated. If I had a lot of family in the area I would socialize by default but I can't afford it and I have alienated myself from a lot of people. I wish my husband would try to get us out to socialize and make friends for me but that is unrealistic.
I need to figure something out.
If you ever meet me and think I'm "just shy" and don't hold it against me, you are nice. Unfortunately it is a lot more than that.
If you understand this at all then it is a miracle because so far no one has gotten it and I am also not to sure that this blog makes sense as it is crazy and disjointed. Just know that I do try and that it is not easy for me. If I ever meet any of you who read this, also, please don't take anything personal that I do or don't do. I've come a long way since being in the Navy and since having children but I still fuck up. A lot. And even though you may not believe it, I don't mean to nor do I want to.
I just hope my children don't suffer because of me.
Posts
3 comments:
[info]sabonai wrote:
Aug. 8th, 2007 04:34 pm (local)
I went to one of those meetups once and felt like an alien. All of these moms...they were all a lot older than me too, or maybe just SEEMED like it because they were so damn stuffy. They HOVERED over their children and just seemed very unfriendly. I actually went there to meet other people! Which isn't easy! Luckily, there was another girl there thinking the same thing, a mom from Slovenia who I ended up being friends with and we never went to another stupid meetup. I guess I lucked out. But seriously the rest of the ladies were jerks.
[info]inever wrote:
Aug. 8th, 2007 04:39 pm (local)
I understand everything you've written here. I am the very same way.
I was going to homeschool my daughter, but I decided to enroll her in school because otherwise she'd never make any friends. When she was smaller I'd take her out to the park to play and sometimes she'd make a friend, but we'd never see them again.
She has a few school friends now, but none of them ever come over here and we've yet to be invited to someone else's place. I did ask one mom for their phone number because our kids are friends and my daughter asked me to. We all met up at a drop-in playgroup and had a good time I think. We said we'd meet again the same time the next week, but they never came. Now I'm afraid to call them in case they don't like me or something.
I basically just force myself to take her out and then suffer the consequences (panic, physical illness, etc).
[info]8thcyn wrote:
Aug. 11th, 2007 02:56 pm (local)
I feel the same way, which is why I've been so lonely since we moved here. I feel terrible from taking Emma away from the one really good friend she had. She had friends from school, but I just didn't have the skill of calling up and making playdates (and I was probably too tired to host them anyway). I'm just hoping that she can make some good friends when she gets to school. I'm hoping that I will make some friends, too, soon.
Post a Comment