Lately

I've been in a slump these past few weeks. I just don't feel up to doing much of anything. This could be due to the fact that my family and I have been under so much stress for such a long period of time or perhaps I just need to get outside more and get some exercise. Either way it is as if I feel indifferent to everything around me. Something major would have to happen, right now, to invoke any sort of emotion from me.

Also, I try to socialize and be pleasant with everyone but it appears false and forced which makes people a bit uncomfortable. My presence tends to make people uncomfortable anyways but lately it bothers me more than other times. So, I just don't bother. I've tried to fix this in the past but I also can't force myself to be someone I'm not. This is usually fine because I tend to keep to myself a majority of the time but I would like to have a little normalcy as well, if not for me then for my girls. I don't want to be the "weird" mom and I sure as hell don't want to isolate them from having friends.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care, I'm shy, selfish, antisocial, or I'm just annoyed by most people. I don't desire to be isolated from everyone. I have times that I would like to be part of the society around me and participate in functions and play dates. Constant contact with other people just overwhelms me to the point that I don't want to be around anyone and I need a little peace and quiet for a long period of time. I never understood people whom had friends over every day or went out together every weekend. Perhaps that is why many of my friends don't stick around very long. The friends I have kept don’t live close enough for me to form a close relationship with. This, of course, means I don’t have to put a lot of effort into it.

Who knows the real answer? Perhaps I’m just being reactive to the way society wants me to conform. Being quiet, in this society, seems to be such a taboo. It is seen as a sign of being timid or weak. You have to be “aggressive” in this world. You have to be outgoing and submissive at the same time because, G-d forbid, you will appear as intolerant or un-compassionate. You have to be active in the community and volunteer for as many things as possible. Make a name for yourself. oh yeah, and don't forget to take your Ritalin.
I don’t get it. What does one have to prove?

I’m not always so down on myself. Most of the time, I know that kindness and shyness are not a sign of weakness. It’s only some of the time, like now, that I let other’s words and dirty looks bother me. When people make comments such as “Why don’t you talk more?” and
“I bet your not as innocent as you look.” it truly irritates me. They have already got me sized up in their brain. I never claimed to be innocent but that also doesn’t mean that I’m evil or have some hidden wild women within. It also doesn’t mean I’m pious or easily offended. And, no, I’m not weird or “stuck up”. I’m probably the most normal person you will ever meet. I can speak softly and carry my big stick. My still waters run deep, And lastly, the good things I do for others remain unspoken. My reward doesn’t come from the pat on the back one receives from public recognition. I always had a disdain for that and find it superficial and phony.

Well, I’m not going anywhere with this really. I do need to cook dinner (I hate the kitchen. I would be happy if I never stepped foot in it again) and study for my classes. Even though I’m not going for any high powered political position I need to at least put some food on the table. You can take that as either I have to study hard to get ahead or as I have to walk myself into the kitchen and actually cook something that will be consumed by the other people in my family. Either way, I don’t want to do it, but I have to. Not to mention, it wouldn’t be very nice to let my children starve until their father got home. Despite the fact that I hate to cook, I can cook. I am pretty damn good at it, thank -you -very much.