Making connections

The weird girl in hiding. . part I

2009-03-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Since I can remember I was always that "weird girl". I was quiet and kept to myself. In fact I didn't even talk to anyone unless forced to nor did I interact with my peers until I was in the third grade. During my childhood, my friendships were always initiated by adults, other friends and/or almost always situational. (We attended summer school together or went to the same church)

As I hit my teenage years I took a few more chances and perhaps 8 times out of 10 I didn't scare the person off. As I completed high school (just barely) I planned to join the Navy and enlisted in the delayed entry program.

This is when I began to change my life. . I ran around the neighborhood every day and kept my social interactions to a minimum. I was calmer and focused, on my own, but still just as clueless when immersed within a group of people.

When I joined the armed forces my physical fitness and persistence is what made me successful. That and a nice, "squared away" uniform. It was easy to just be told what to do and where to go. Still I was constantly screwing up at work but the above seemed to deem me in good standing with my superiors. Perhaps my quiet demeanor coupled with my young age was seen as an endearing quality to some. I shall never know. Command functions were my main means of socialization and were eventually quite predictable. After work I either spent my time at the gym or back at the barracks.

While living on base I would sometimes take the bus, alone, to the movies or the gym and almost never went into a social situation unless invited by others. I was still dubbed "a little weird" or "mute girl" by my military peers. My roommate even told me I was a little weird but she liked me anyway. A bitter sweet compliment? The few situational friends that I had would plan outings now and then that I was invited to attend.

This is how I met my future husband. He was a friend of a friend and didn't seem to notice my strange demeanor and we got along just fine. He was from another country that he was learning to navigate socially. I could relate to him. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend but I stuck around anyway. I didn't have to socialize with anyone when I was with him and he was charming and practically did it for me. It would be fair to say that I hid behind him when with a group of people.

Time went by , we married , had children and I was no longer that "weird girl". I was so and so's wife and a mother. I seemed normal. Unusually normal in some sickening sort of way. Having children, especially, forced me to socialize and I soon learned the lingo of motherhood as I attended parenting groups. Amongst these groups were a few online communities I found on the internet.

I was in a parallel universe that I found was not much different from the real world. I could still see everyone else around me connecting with each other while I stood on the outside. But it was also that social universe that did connect me with people and that "universe" that helped me make it through one of the hardest transitions I have ever experienced.

The past few years have been the hardest. I no longer have the military to guide me. I have failed at my relationship with my husband and with others in the civilian community which include those that I have attended college with and the other parents of my children within this society I currently reside in.
I can see the same patterns repeating themselves.,
I ran away from something only to find out I can't hide from it anymore. . . .

A "Trip to France" and other desires.

2009-01-14T07:23:00.001-08:00

As a child I had always imagined myself with children and a place of my own.
my long drawn out fantasies consisted of me and my stuffed animal "children" staying in my own little place that required no man or significant other to maintain.

I just never imagined anyone else in the picture except for me and my "children".

One of my favorite fantasies consisted of this;

I would imagine traveling to France (My parents went without me one year after planning the trip for a long time, only to leave us home with grandparents.) and taking my "children" with me to a hotel.

With my old "boom box", gifted to me on my birthday or some holiday, I would make cassette tapes full of dialogue and label them "A Trip to France". Once finished, I would listen to the "trip" approximately 10-12 times; only to re-record the fantasy over and over and over again. I would give anything to find that old cassette tape now.

I was always the caregiver in my mind and recall my desire to have my own private abode which was the main part of my imaginary world. I would drive off (or fly because I had super powers), take care of business and come back to my family. I would pretend to invite people now and then but I didn't like anyone trying to change anything.

I imagine my desire to travel and my desire to have my own space without the presence of another person, other than my children, stems from some of these experiences that I've had as a child.

If it's not a spectrum disorder. . .

2008-12-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

Or NVLD then what is it that could be going on with me?

Unfortunately I have a difficult time stepping out of my current situation and the difficulties I am going through cloud my judgment considerably.
I do want to be objective as possible if I was to obtain a psychological/neurological evaluation by a psychologist.

I've looked into personality disorders such as schizoid personality disorder and Obsessive Compulsive disorder (which fits me to a T) and they are something that I could be diagnosed with should I be evaluated. Either way it is important for me to get seen by a professional and get any therapy, help, (or conformation that I am perhaps the worse hypochondriac in the world?) or "piece of mind", as one may put it.

I took some on-line quizzes (not exactly accurate, I know) out of curiosity and I dare to post them here.

Feel free to post yours in response should you stumble across my page but also let me know, if you will, if you have, in fact, been diagnosed with anything before.

Test #1

Link: Online Screening for Personality Disorders

Results:

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

Schizoid Personality
Schizotypal Personality
Borderline Personality
Obsessive Personality

Test #2

Link: Personality Disorder Test
Results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Obsessing - the thanksgiving "basket"

2008-11-25T07:28:00.000-08:00

Last week I received a call from my daughter's school saying that someone had put our name in to receive a thanksgiving basket for our family. (I thought they were going to ask us for a donation) We have been in a difficult financial situation and it had been made known somewhere down the line.
She gave me the times, day, and location to pick it up at.
Unfortunately that was not enough for me.

Since then, I have been obsessing over what it looks like, what is in it, how heavy it is, how big it is, who I'm going to talk to when I get there, whether or not people are going to be in my way, how I'm going to carry it home on the back of my stroller (we don't have a car), and any thing else you can think of related to any possible obstacles that may occur.

I decided I needed to call and find out (risking possibly offending someone and making them angry with me?) and have been obsessing over making the phone call for the past three days.

Well, I finally did call and now I have found out that we are getting an 11 pound turkey and it is not in fact an actual "basket", per say, but there are two green bags with food in it. (Why do they call it a basket? Is that a metaphor for something?)
Good news is, I can put them on the back of the stroller and walk home with them. yay

I pick them up today and I wonder if I have to return the bags?

edited to add; I did express my gratitude to them. I don't know if I am supposed to do something back? (It was anonymous)
Do I send a thank you card? Where to? The front office? The classroom?

Quotes from "Aspie T-shirts and Gifts"

2008-11-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

I love some of these quotes that are printed on T-shirts and mugs from this website: http://www.cafepress.com/buy/aspie/-/pg_3

Here are some of my favorites:

#1. ASPIE RULES:

1. Don't feed the Aspie. He doesn't want what you are eating anyways.
2. Don't make too much noise
3. Don't expect lots of eye contact
4. Don't chit chat
5. Don't worry if he flaps or rocks. It's not a problem. REALLY

#2. "I live in my own little world, but don't worry, people know me here."

#3. People with autism:
Do not lie
Do not judge
Do not play mind games
Maybe we can learn something from them.

#4. "It's OK. Some of my best friends are neurotypical."

#5. "No I don't know everything. (I just know a lot more than you do)"

#6. "Today's autistic kid is tomorrow's genius"

#7. "I don't do small talk"

#8. "That was extremely annoying fun. I would like to be alone now do this again sometime. Maybe that was a bad idea we can get together again. "

#9. "Autism isn't so bad but your staring is"

#10. "For success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential" -- Hans Asperger

#11. "STOP STARING! and they say I have no social skills. ."

#12. "Kiss my Aspergers"

#13. "Normality. Some day we'll find the cure."

And my absolute favorite:

#14. "If the world was left to you socialites, we would all still be in caves talking to each other." -- Temple Grandin

My medication

2008-11-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

Today I started to take my medication again. This medication called Dextroamphetamine and is some pretty powerful stuff. It does help with my depression and motivation but also makes me a little loquacious and aggressive. (I usually don't speak very much)
I've been taking it (off and on) since 1999 when I received my ADD diagnosis in the Navy. I've done my best work while taking the medication but unfortunately I worry that it's not how it is supposed to work.
It doesn't help read people better (Just annoy them a little more when I would normally not talk at all) and it doesn't help with any of my sensitivities. I get more sensitive to lights and people touching me.
Also, my thoughts seem to race a little less only to be contrasted by a lot more "figiting" and if I'm not mistaken the medication is supposed to help with that.
I'm wondering if I would benefit more from an anti-anxiety medication and know that I need to make an appointment to see a professional but I'm hesitating for many reasons, both personal and physical.
for example, I have no car and very little time and money.
My personal reasons would be slightly different since I have never spoken openly or honestly with a mental health professional in fear of it effecting my job.
Only time will tell.
For now I am going to continue to take the medication and try and make an appointment for an evaluation before I run out.

I'm so sick of this

2008-10-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of N being picked on at school and coming home upset because of it. She's overly sensitive and the kids know that so they love to get her going. I've tried to talk to her and help and I've talked to her teacher.

She came upset today and has been having numerous meltdowns. (which occurs at least a few times a week. Especially at the end of the week)
She finally told me that all of the other girls were invited to a party except for her.

I'm just sick of this.

I tell my husband and his only responses are of the following:

We need to enroll her in martial arts

or

When I was her age nobody messed with me because I could defend myself.

And then he proceeds to criticize me by indirectly calling me a pacifist. He doesn't understand my difficulties with socializing and scoffs at me because of it.
oh and,
Apparently its my fault and I should agree with him that Miriam should punch and kick kids who call her names?

I'm in tears. I don't know how to handle this.

Supposed to . . .

2008-10-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

Things are supposed to be better by now.
I'm supposed to have acquired more foresight.
I'm supposed to have a degree already.
I'm supposed to be successful by now.
I'm supposed to be a better mom.
I'm supposed to be able to help my daughter with her homework.
I'm supposed to be able to carry on a conversation with people and make small talk and sit through a job interview just like everyone else.
I'm supposed to want to be married and want a nice wedding and a little house with a yard, 2 dogs and a husband.
I'm supposed to want to stay home with my children and not be resentful.
I'm supposed to care what other people think.
I'm supposed to think for myself and be charismatic and independent.
I'm supposed to be outgoing and friendly.
I'm supposed to be a good friend and try to help other people even if they don't tell me.
I'm supposed to be able to know anyways.
I'm supposed to understand politics in everyday life.
I'm supposed to be able to read between the lines.
I'm supposed to get the joke.
I'm not supposed to be the joke.
I'm supposed to be able to have friends who want to be my friends because they like me and not because they feel sorry for me.
I'm not supposed to be the victim or look like I'm trying to be.

I've written "supposed" so many times I don't even know what it means anymore because everything I'm supposed to have I don't or I fuck up what I do have only to regret it later and say "How could I be so stupid".
oh, I'm not supposed to curse either, lest I sound like white trash.

oh, yeah. I'm not supposed to sit around feeling sorry for myself either.

No I am exhausted and I haven't even gone anywhere yet.

Family update

2008-09-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

My 7 year old M:

I'm going to talk to M's teacher on Monday.
Her teacher thinks she is unusually intelligent but it is not showing it in her work or tests. We have to struggle with her just to get an average performance from her. I'm worried that perhaps I should have held her back in the first grade.
One of my concerns is her motor skills and her handwriting. I'm thinking of getting her more beads to work on her fine motor skills. This may help a bit with handwriting.

I put her hair in braids all this week. She loved it and we didn't have to brush it. (lazy parents!)

It' fits her personality quite well.

My 3 year old N:

Here is an example of one of our conversations today. (-: :

me: N, what color is that (me pointing to her shirt)?
N: "What color"
me: What color is the flower on your shirt?
N: "Color"

I guess she will do it when she is ready.

Me, myself, and I:

My thoughts are a bit random lately and unorganized so I am sure it is apparent when I post on here. I will make it short.

I am taking an internet math class now. I have not even looked at the book and we are a month in. I'm just not able to do it now. I barely holding my house together as it is.

In a fog

2008-09-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

I'm really having a hard time lately. I just feel so confused and even less able to read people as usual. (Which would be not at all?)

I'm forcing myself to be in more social situations but, as usual, am just faking it. I think it is obvious because people just stop talking to me after a little while.
I'm sure that the stress is making it a lot more difficult for me to act normal. (and it is just acting unfortunately) I do this so that I don't seem too strange to other people.
(I don't know how to explain this so forgive me as my ability to make myself clear through writing seems to be suffering as well)

I am "fighting" a lot more (and find it impossible) to make any sort of eye contact, at all, lately when I am speaking to someone. I even close my eyes sometimes when I talk (That is if I don't start to stammer and am able to speak clearly in the first place)in order to make my point. Quite frequently I will pause mid sentence and forget what I am talking about. It won't be until later that I realize that I was talking to someone and just stopped all of a sudden. I must appear crazy and strange to many people and I really hate that about myself.

I know that the stress I have been experiencing the past few years makes every aspect of life very difficult (it would for anybody!) and I seem to only be able to concentrate on one aspect of my life at a time.

The thought of being evaluated for NVLD and aspergers syndrome has constantly been coming back into my mind. I really don't know if I should bother. Perhaps it would be best just to see a therapist?

Then the following thought pattern emerges as I think of the previous: "Well, if I see a therapist, maybe my children should too but I know that I can't afford for everyone to go to therapy and I have to put my children first, etc. . ." So, as you can see, being evaluated is the last thing that I need to be doing right now.

Well, right now my children are beckoning for my attention so I will go tend to them as a mommy should. Only time will tell me what I really should be doing and I do need to be patient until I am able to step outside of myself and see things in a different light.

Only then will I have a few more answers.

For my "Aspie" friends (-:

2008-09-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I would promote this little website I belong to. (Some of you might be on it already)
It's sort of like a myspace/blogging/social site for adults on the spectrum..

aspieSocial

The windmills of my mind

2008-06-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

My mind is constantly going forward at an accelerated pace.

Sometimes I fear that I may lose some ultra creative thought that I will never be able to regain again unless I write it down on a piece of paper.
Some sort of epiphany that will only make me more aware if I can re-read at a later date in my future thus figuring out my life and it's entire meaning? ha ha

I will pace back and forth throughout my apartment or I may just lay there for hours (perhaps if subjected to a bout of depression. Another wonderful curse of mine) with my head racing and my fantasies replacing this reality that I am not wishing to be part of right now.

The funny thing is that there never seems to be anything to relax me.

Yes, I'm going through some momentous stress, currently, but I am always like this and having a few drinks, in order to relax, only makes me worse! I still get told that I "think too much" (and that I need to relax).

I fidget constantly day and night and I can not hold still no matter how hard I try. (and if I attempt to do so I even twitch!)
I can only imagine how I must appear to other people because of these Idiosyncrasies.

The funny thing is that it appears to be getting worse as I get older but domestic pressure and lack of job security sure seem to make it about one-thousand times worse as of lately. The only thing that calms me (sometimes) is my medication and (usually) running and weight lifting but I have to change my routine constantly so that I don't hit that "plateau" that so many athletes experience when they need to increase the intensity in order to get the same results. (or keep from getting bored which is another problem of mine)

What I wouldn't give for a calm mind and a big deep breath to release all this pent up energy and anxiety. What I wouldn't give to be able to narrow down my thoughts to only a few at a time instead of being constantly bombarded by them all at once. Perhaps then I could accomplish something brilliant?

I fear I am doomed to never be still but it is quite funny (In a cruel way) that I happen appear that way to other people. Calm. "too calm" as I am told. I appear to be a bit phlegmatic when I am actually quite the opposite. Perhaps if I was able to express myself in the way that I wish I would not feel as if I was about to burst from the inside-out.

Enough of this for now. I need some rest. I have a mid-term to take tomorrow and my mind has been racing to quickly which has been keeping me from studying sufficiently. Perhaps a little sleep is in order instead.

19th of June, 2007. little things.

2008-06-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today my internet stopped working. I was in the middle of a project I had procrastinated on until the last minute and, go figure, I needed the internet to finish it and only four more hours to do so. I rearranged my equipment, unplugged, replugged,restarted, did a bunch of stuff with the modem,(Don't ask me what, I don't know) and gave up in frustration. I was sure that it was simple, I could see what the problem was, yet I couldn't fix it. I whacked the modem a few times out of desperation but that wasn't it either. (Hey, it worked before with my TV)
Finally I called my husband and informed him I was going to go to the college and use the computer lab. I had only one problem; "honey, where is my student ID?" and "I still have to pick up M from daycare before three." Well, my ID was in the car, at my husband's work and it was almost 2, which was when I had to pick up my daughter. I was pacing and wringing my hands and an absolute mess. The little things always get me. The major things I can deal with. I was freaking out and trying to plan on driving to my husbands work, get my ID and have M stay at daycare until later just because I was too stupid to fix the damn computer and get my work done on time.
Finally I put my pride to the side and called tech support only to find out that I had already done what he was telling me to do already (I was annoyed half way through the conversation. The customer service was good but very annoying) and the computer started working during my second try anyways. I was just too upset to notice. ~sigh~

Fck, Fck, F*ck,

2008-04-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

Not graduating until next Spring.

I'm kicking myself for not finishing my math classes when I was in the Navy.

I have to work now. I need to find a damn job.

My electric has been shut off this month already and then I had to pay a fee to re-connect it. (Even though I made the payment right before it was shut off. bastards.)

I'm hoping to at least be able to get my coding certificate this summer but that all depends on the good graces of my teacher(WTF)and I'm not in her good graces.

I just want the floor to swallow me up right now.

There is so much more. I'm just too tired to do this right now.

I'll write more about my marriage later. I just feel like I'm playing house right now and I don't want to play anymore.

I'm seriously just fucking everything up. You think I would learn by this point in my life. I'm still trying to figure things out.

tired. . of it all

2008-03-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

* I had to drop another class. It's O.K though. I have nothing to prove by taking five classes, raising my kids, trying to clean my nasty house after my husband, and dealing with an over affectionate, controlling man while trying to finish this degree.

* I was spending too much time comparing myself to other people when I am not like them. I need to do things at my own pace. I know I will finish this. I'm one of the most persistent people I know. I have to be. I have to accept that I don't learn things in the same way as everyone else. That should build my character instead of bring me down.

* I've been getting more and more resentful as time goes by. My husband is controlling and jealous and I'm getting sick of trying to teach him how to parent and I'm getting sick of the way he talks to me in front of our children. I'm not much better but, in my defense, he constantly irritates and provokes me. He won't leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. Why the hell does he need constant praise, attention, and conversation. I am so tired of him I feel I am going to be sick.

* I've decided that I want to get my tubes tied. I know that having another child will only ensue in a mental break down for myself. I have my two little girls and they couldn't be more perfect. The man is the one I can not deal with. He sucks every last bit of energy out of me and adding another person to the mix will send me over the edge. There are many other reasons I don't want more children.

* I'm tired of hearing from my husband "when we have the boy". He adds that to all conversations about the future. I don't even think I want to be married to him in the future but I don't want to tear my family apart either. I told him that I don't want more children and he won't hear it. I know he will try to convince me by saying it over and over and over hoping that I will eventually give in and say "O.K. fine". You can die from such a man.

I can't do this anymore.

Damn phone

2008-03-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

OK, my husband talks to his dad on the phone every day. fine. Weird, but fine.
If we are out or if my husband is out, (I don't answer the phone) he will call, literally, every 5 damn minutes. He will leave about 20 messages until my husband calls him back.

WTF?!

If we move close to them I am going to have to put up with even more of this.

I am so tired of hearing this fucking phone ringing right now. I'm going to smash the damn thing into the wall.

My thoughts on the leap year

2008-02-29T11:35:00.000-08:00

well, I might as well admit that I have been feeling so down lately that I am barely functioning. The bad things about feeling this way is that all the memories from the last times I have felt this way, including from when I was a child, come flooding back so vividly, only to pull me down further into this hole.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to leave my bed in the morning. I don't want to go home. My grades are failing. I'm just not good at this life thing right now.

I know I will get out of this. The mind has a way of pulling you out when you least expect it. I have no control over it.
I won't even mention the things I was thinking about in this state of mind.

At least this morning did go OK. I went to the library and was able to get some studying done. (Despite the fact two librarians were talking about their hair for well over 20 minutes. huh? What a stimulating conversation. [sarcasm])

My husband told me last night that the only thing keeping him to me is the girls. (this was during one of my meltdowns which enabled from being able to speak very well. Not one of my strong suits anyways. [speaking about my feelings that is] Perhaps he felt that was the reason to disregard the fact that I do have feelings and he has no right to dictate what they are.)

(Of course, I am going to admit (regarding my husband) that that is how I have felt for a very long time. I just can't stand to be around him most of the time. It has gradually been getting worse over the past few years and some days I can not even stand for him to touch me.)

But what do I do when sometimes I feel I need him so much just to help me complete every day tasks. I can't even do that without screwing something up. I seriously suck at this domestic, mother thing. (Yes, I love my children so please don't go there) and then I go to work (when I am working) and I fuck up everything there as well.

Well, I'm not entirely coherent right now. Obviously. I just needed to get that out because my husband says that "I don't have time for this depression bullshit". So there you go.

There have also been some other feelings of mine that have been surfacing lately. I was so happy to finally figure a few more things out. (I'm still a little confused but I was happy) Well, then, of course, what happens when I am happy? (which is rare) I crash. HARD.

"Autistic and proud of it", article from "New Scientist Print Edition"

2008-02-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I think this article defines more than one point of view. One from the autistic adult and another from some parents. I found it very interesting. enjoy. .

Autistic and proud of it

ROY,a high-functioning 28-year-old autistic with a blond military buzz cut and a wide disarming grin, lives on society's edge. At his dojo in Takoma Park, Maryland, where he has lived for the past six-and-a-half years, he leads an essentially monastic existence immersed in his two passions: martial arts and Buddhism. For Roy, who didn't reveal his last name, contact with the outside world has to have a purpose. He agreed to an interview only because he felt his message might be helpful to others. "It's OK not to be interested in socializing, to live quietly on the borders of society," he says. "It's OK to be alone."

Roy has good reason to want his voice heard. With autism diagnoses rising steadily, talk of an "epidemic" and a growing search for a cure, Roy feels threatened. "I feel stabbed when it comes to 'curing' or 'treating' autism," he says. "It's like society doesn't need us."

Many autistic people are starting to agree. They have had enough of being treated as a medical problem, arguing that autism is not a disease that needs to be cured but just a normal part of human diversity. This emerging "autistic rights" movement hopes to launch an international campaign akin to Gay Pride, encouraging autistic people everywhere to embrace their "neurodiversity", and persuading wider society to accept them as they are.

You might be an aspie if. . . . .

2008-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

I know these are old news but I find them so funny.

From this website: http://www.geocities.com/autistry/YMBAAI.html

"Do you know Jeff Foxworthy's running gag, "You might be a redneck if..."
Let's see,"

* ...you find yourself using phrases that you are pretty sure are playing directly from audio tape in your head.

...when someone says, "Now take a minute and picture -in your head- something or other", you wonder why it would be necessary to suggest it, because you always have pictures in your head.

...you want to sky-dive or bungee jump, but you wouldn't do it if you had to drive through traffic to get there.

...you automatically mirror other people's voices and even their whole persona, so that you are not sure who you would be today if you had had different people around you.

...you have passed many a happy minute watching a fan spin.

...on the one hand you think you are the most interesting person you know, but not too many other people are trying to get to know you.

...your boss says, "Do such and such", and you can't do it until you know "why", because you are not going to waste your time on doing something that doesn't make sense.

...you get extremely disappointed in yourself if you don't know something when you need to know it because you really *SHOULD* know that.

..you choose the grocery aisle that you go down based on whether or not there are any other people in that aisle.

...you will go many extra steps and take lots of extra time to figure out the answer to something rather than taking 30 seconds to ask someone. (10 extra points if your heart pounds if you finally do decide to ask an actual person, 25 extra points if you can hear your heart pounding)

...one of your instinctive reactions is, "I didn't do anything wrong!".

...you know exactly who Temple Grandin is (and Donna Williams and Tony Attwood and Michelle Dawson)

..the word "Hallmark" makes you think "When you care enough to send the very best", and you can remember tons of those kinds of "ad" lines and you use them in everyday speech.

...you are middle aged and going to college and petrified by the question "what is your major" because you don't know if it should be, English, Russian, Art, Art History, Psychology or whatever your next interest will be, OR if you should pursue your own personalized major program in Eremitic Studies or Anti-Social Science

..if you ever stayed with a hobby so long and with such intensity that you hurt yourself. (can you say "carpal tunnel syndrome"?)

..if the word "logic" goes right to your heart but the word "love" usually bounces off of it.

...if you been driving a car with someone in the passenger seat who's voice was too quiet and you reached for the volume control on the radio to turn up the the sound of their voice. (OK, that's just strange....but true)

...if you talk back to the people on the TV and radio and call them idiots or say sarcastic things to commercials.

...if it takes you 3 times as long to decide if it's safe drive through an intersection as it does a normal person.

...if you are a 43 year old woman and you just can't make hair-spray work for you.

...if you wanted to minimize the psychic damage done to oneself by contact with other humans and try to plan a walking route that involves the least amount of human contact, which, on a map, looks rather chaotic, especially if one notes where you pause behind a bush or building corner, waiting for someone to pass on the sidewalk.

--one of your favorite hobbies is "autie spotting".

- You don't know if you should be grateful or aggravated that the receptionist at the mental health department of the student health services clinic at the university you are going to attend had never heard of Asperger's syndrome. (the university classifies AS as a mental health disorder, rather than a learning disability, they don't have an appropriate category like "neurodevelopmental disabilities", yet)

You get irritated when people come up to talk to you when you are doing something important like; staring at a wall, trying to find a space in your mind that is not overwhelmed by noise and imposing people with their desire to converse.

...your teacher commands every one in the room to pair-off to discuss a topic and you are extremely relieved that no one wants to be your partner.

..you tell people you have a "neurodevelopmental disorder" and you kind of hope that they don't ask what that means.

..you think "Cure Autism Now" ought to be called "Eliminate Autistics Now" and it makes you mad.

You find it extraordinarily annoying to hear someone say the same thing multiple times, but you do that same thing yourself, that is, say things multiple times. Did I tell you that I hate hearing other people say things multiple times, but that I do the very same thing? Multiple times?

…you're late for a meeting (aaarrrrgh!) because you intended to go the grocery store afterward, but misplaced the shopping list and spent five minutes handflapping while trying to remember where you put it.

…you've given up reading the newspaper (magazine) because you know you can never get through to all the articles you want to read, and you'd rather not collect back issues till you run out of space to put them.

…you not only line things up, you always line them up in a symmetrical arrangement.

You're friends with the church secretary, but can't recognize her when you run into her in the store.

- you write down things on a forum and mean them totally honest and serious, and the recipient cracks up laughing badly and telling you you are funny.

- if you are told you are funny (without having intended) you ruminate about it for weeks, replay your writings in your head and try to find the parts, you might find funny, is you would not know they were not meant funny.

...you insist on your view on fairness even when anyone else thinks you have gone mad.

...your get told not to step on someone's toes at work so you start looking at the floor while you walk because you took it literally.

...you keep bumping into people but the only time you actually remember to apologize is when you bump into a tree.

...you forget to eat or drink for a few days because you are working on an interesting project.

...someone wants to get past you and says "excuse me" and you reply "sure" without moving a bit.

..you get told the juice is out when you are about to go shopping, but you don't buy new one because you did not explicitly get told to.

...you constantly forget taking the trash out even if you walk past it all the time because it isn't on your mental agenda of things to do.

..if you spend hours trying to figure out how someone could find a meaning in your words that was not there.

...if you do your walks and exercises at night because it is quiet then and hardly anyone else around.

...you sit around trying to decide what to work on today, and by the time you are done deciding the day is over.

...you follow rules to the letter - but only if they make sense to you.

Someone asks you how you are and you give an honest answer about what a rotten day you had and go on for 5 minutes about it. Then they get insulted or bored and you get confused 'cause after all, they DID ask.

you've lived all your life stateside yet prefer Recieved Standard spellings [UK] over General American ones. [e.g., "colour" over "color"]

You play 'Name That Bruise!' in the bath, because you have no idea where you got them.

You gave up on ever convincing people that you are not odd ages ago. You now just live your life and to hell with anyone who thinks it strange.

It took you, your parents, a friend, and 4 movers 3 days to move all your stuff, and you were only moving out of a 2 bedroom apartment!

You're the only person around who will decline an invite to a big party to stay at home to watch 'Daily Planet' (science news show on Discovery channel).

if "that`s just the way it is ..." does not compute...

Talking to my dad

2007-12-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I have to talk to my dad but it has been told to me, by my mother, that I should not write him a letter on e-mail but, instead, it is best to speak with him on the phone. I don't like this. I have a very difficult time speaking compared to writing. I express myself one-hundred times better with a letter. I'm pretty sure my father is the same way. He also hates talking on the phone (Unless he is talking about computers or playing in his concerts (he's a musician)). This is not something my mother tends to understand but I do get her point and if I e-mail him I don't want everyone reading it.

Here's the issue:

Every year, during the holidays, my father sends us a couple of gift certificates for $250 each. This is more than what we need and we are in a serious financial bind. I want to ask him to send money instead but I just can't do it.
I do, at least, need to let him know that we are unable to visit them this holiday like they wanted because our situation keeps us from driving 5 hours up to ** to visit. We can't even go for drives because we have no money for gas and my husband's father is sending us down to ** on New Years so that we can see his Grandma whom has been getting very sick.

I know better not to listen to my mother when it comes to talking to my dad. She has it out for him and she is very bitter (I believe my father also has Aspergers syndrome which would explain A LOT) and she has always used us for revenge against my dad.

well, enough of this, blah blah blah. I've already decided to not ask my dad for money but I do at least need to let him know about our situation so that he doesn't think we are blowing him off.

I think I will write him AND talk to him on the phone and I will do both because;
1. He may be drunk and not remember the conversation
2. I've decided that I don't mind that his wife reads the e-mail
3. Telling him about my situation won't give him a HINT about my situation because my father doesn't get hints (nor do I give them. I'm pretty direct) but I think he will appreciate me not asking for money since my siblings frequently do and I don't want to be put in the same category.

"Psych groups' fury over 'ransom' ads" - not all attention is good

2007-12-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah, these adds piss me off too. All they do is add to the stigma that we already have to deal with on a daily basis and promotes useless pity. In this case, I don't agree that negative attention is better than no attention. Here is the link: Unnecessary Negative publicity about Autism and ADHD.

"These "ransom notes" are being plastered all over town as part of a new ad campaign about the dangers of psychiatric disorders like autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and Asperger's syndrome. They are causing outrage among many of the groups they are designed to represent - prompting parents and disability advocates to demand they be taken down. "The child has not been 'taken,' they just need a little extra help," said Melissa Ramirez, 26, who has a cousin with autism. "It's basically showing [parents] they have no control over their child. It's inappropriate." The ad campaign is being rolled out over the next four months by the NYU Child Study Center, which says the posters are designed to highlight the plight of children who suffer from undiagnosed or untreated psychiatric problems.
(This aspect I can agree with but there are better ways to get your point across. Being undiagnosed all of your life SUCKS! But people are not going to take it that way)"

"Disability advocates including Not Dead Yet and the Autism Acceptance Project have united in protest. "There needs to be recognition that not all attention is good attention," said Ari Ne'eman, president of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network who suffers from Asperger's syndrome. "The message that this campaign is sending, specifically that children with disabilities are shells, that somehow we have had our true selves stolen away or kidnapped ... is one that has a lot of terrible consequences."

regarding Asperger/Nuerotypical relationships:

2007-12-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to post a few since there are so many. Here is the link if anyone is interested: http://www.angelfire.com/journal/shwankie2/ASquotes.html

From the point of view of the Nuerotypical (Person without Aspergers) spouse:

* Day-to-day life has gotten smoother since I've stopped defining his reactions to sensory overload (noise, confusion, crowds, emotional discussions) as personal rejection, and since he's realized that his experience of the world is not the same as mine - that it is helpful if he can stop and explain to me what he IS reacting to, and how I can help rather than just shutting me out. He is learning that sometimes I need to hear the words and be brought the flowers, and feel the small touches of closeness and appreciation. I am learning that, emotions are there, even if deeply buried, and difficult to access and to understand." - in reply to an AS husband.

*"My dh's meltdowns can take any number of forms; chewing out the kids, arguing with no sense to it, or going and zombie-ing out in the hammock or in front of the TV. I guess it is maybe good that some of his meltdowns are also his coping strategies...He can just shut down...or he can dig in his heels and fight something or someone long past its usefulness..." This sounds alot like my ex too. Not daily, but maybe monthly. He would totally VEG in front of the TV for HOURS on a daily basis. But about once a month he would just EXPLODE and pick something to just babble and yell about that made no sense. It didn't matter how many facts I had to show that it was not the way he was portraying it, he just kept twisting every lil detail to just argue. And then bam, after he was done, it was literally like he forgot it all ever happened." --C

From the view point of the spouse with Aspergers:

* "First off, Helen, I have AS, and I DO have feelings and emotions...
I do not intentionaly Ignore my wife & kids; and as far as acting different in public-- AS folk's tend to mimic others as we notice their behaviors, and believe this is the way we should act, even though it may feel awkward.

We try to be what others want us to be, and truely do not understand at times our behavior is inapropriate (until it is to late and pointed out).

Living with us must be very frustrating!! I wont deny that Fact!
But please realize this: we live in a world which we find hard to understand. People have teased and harassed us as children because of our differences and lack of social skills. We struggle day after day knowing we are different but are unable to change. Yes we can learn how to mimic people! But we can never be totaly succesful with this, as it is very uncomfortable even painfully frustating, filled with high anxiety, stress and and chronic depression." -Dg

* "Also, my feelings (and probably his, too) are much more intense due to this since we hardly are able to live them out. I don't know if you ever watched Star Trek. The Vulcans there supress their emotions because would they not, they would become violent, impredictable, selfish and unable to progress in their developement. I've always identified with this. In fact, ST has educated me in how to keep my intense and sometimes violent emotions in check.

People told me to "open up" more and show I have emotions. I did and was hated, shunned and feared for it and lost my friends. So I decided that it's best to act the part of the Vulcan again in most situations. If I show emotions in public other than with my family or partner (which I really had a hard time learning) then it is mostly fake, displaying what I assume would be the appropriate reaction. I make less and less mistakes in this, so I usually don't get looked at as a freak anymore." -L.W.

Face blindness quiz from Cambridge

2007-12-06T10:31:00.000-08:00

Here are my results. To be honest I guessed most of the time but I did recognize the pointy chin guy and the fat cheeks guy almost every time (I think?).

Results

Out of 72 faces, you correctly identified 43.
In other words, you got 60% correct.

On our previous version of this test, the average person with normal face recognition was able to recognize about 80% of the faces. If you correctly identified less than 65% of the faces, this may indicate face recognition difficulties.

For more information about face blindness and other face recognition difficulties, please go to www.faceblind.org.

Here is the link: http://www.faceblind.org/facetests/index.php

What it's like not having a diagnosis

2007-12-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

Well, it's like I know but I don't know. Some days I feel normal (until I get a reality check when I go out in public)

The other day I had to have a conference with my 2 year olds teacher. I had to tell her about my disability (For whatever reason I may have it) because she had mentioned the social curriculum that they have at the day care. I wanted to emphasize the importance of why this curriculum is important for my daughter whom I am positive does not have the same disability as I. I didn't say "Aspergers", I just said that I have a disability that makes it difficult for me to socialize with other people. She just pried further. (But she seemed very nice and had never heard of Aspergers before so I hope she doesn't say anything)

The funny thing is I wouldn't go around telling people even if I had a diagnosis but I felt obligated in this situation.

I also worry that it will get back to my husband who doesn't really want to see it.

Now more about my husband: I showed him a video of the girl from America's Next Top model. (The one with Asperger's) and when I was explaining to him the disability that she is dealing with I mentioned the word autism. This is what he said:

"Well, she is not autistic, she has Aspergers."

So was he accepting my speculation about my myself but still is denial about the autism aspect? Will he only accept it if I don't call it autism?

I don't know. I'm rambling on.

ps: I've decided to do my associates in art as a psychology degree. I'm almost done with my AS.

Since 2005

2007-11-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

Since I have been separated from the Navy, my life has been a living hell.

I'm realizing now that I have always been dependent on something or somebody. I'm admitting, for the first time, that I have never really been independent at all. Ever. (This bothers me.)
I'm also realizing that I hide behind my children and my husband way too much and I worry that they will either leave me or figure me out.
Of course, that is not right structure for my children.

When I was in the Navy I had a lot of structure.
*Whenever I had to do something major I was told what to do and how to do it and when to do it. (Not always why (-; )

*I had shelter and money and medical.

*I had a superior to ask questions of. I could screw up and not get fired. (Not that I have before but I should have for some of the things I messed up while in the military.)

*I was forced to socialize but I was able to make may way around because the situations eventually got predictable.

*It was always the same thing.

*I was, very often (not always), in the ideal situation and was able to establish my own little space.

I did quite well sometimes.

Now I'm scared and confused all of the time. I feel like I'm in a house of cards and it's about to topple over. (O.K. I stole that metaphor from someone. I'm not very creative right now)

All my weaknesses are now coming to the surface.

25 October 2007 - Getting evaluated

2007-10-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

I found a place.

I found it by accident while surfing the internet. A place that evaluates for asperger's, NVLD, and ADHD.
They evaluate both adults and children.
Unfortunately my insurance only covers the ADHD evaluation and very little of the Asperger's evaluation. I will have to wait until after I finish my degree and we are more stable.
I need to research this place and see if they are any good. I've had a bad experience in the past and I don't want to go through that again.

Apparently I'm a heartless B*tch.

2007-10-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

We had an "argument" tonight. My husband informed me that I am incapable of providing affection. He made it clear that if we ever got divorced he would take the girls. (I never bring up divorce. He always does.) I called him an SOB for saying that and he played the "My mother died when I was young" victim card and informed me that his mother wasn't a bitch and I didn't know her. He informed me that he is the only one "motivating" and holding the family together. I informed him otherwise. The argument got quite stupid and his response to every discontented comment of mine was "then why are you with me?" or "why don't you go with someone else?" The truth is that I wouldn't be with anyone else. He is the only one that tolerates and has accepted me for who I am. He's the only one that stuck around for more than a few weeks. I guess I have to find some way to tell him this before I loose him but I honestly don't know how and he keeps pushing me when I want to be left alone. I just don't have it in me to be what he wants.

Being a mom with aspergers?

2007-10-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Has anyone played the hokey poky before? You stand in a circle, stick your right leg in , shake it all about.
Well, I'm standing just on the outside of the circle, and doing something just a little bit different but, guess what, I'm still part of it.
It's not a lost cause. I still have the general idea. (-:

My little girl - 1rst grade year

2007-09-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

We had a conference with N's teacher yesterday. It went where I thought it would.

nowhere.

Her teacher was sweet but kind of young and ditsy and seemed to have little control over her class. (She had a valley girl accent. LIKE, OMG!!)

N is socially behind.
I've come to except this as it becomes more apparent as she enters the 1rst grade. I've always been in denial about it because she has always been unusually outgoing.

For example, When we take her out to the playground she will just run up to the kids and growl at them (She's playing lion) or yell at them. She is being friendly but it scares the other kids.

N has also begun to make up imaginary friends which she takes to school with her. This, of course, gets her teased and bullied relentlessly. N "defends herself" and then gets in trouble for her behavior because they go and "tattle" on her. She's been coming home with notes almost every day now.

I've also been noticing that she will either play on the same level as kids that are a few years younger than her or follow the adults around and talk their ears off. When she is told to stop talking (especially in class) she gets very agitated and upset.

The funny thing is that, even though she gets picked on, my daughter doesn't discriminate against any other kid. (Even the ones that pick on her) She wants to be friends with all of them and will hop from one kid to the next like a bumble bee in a patch of flowers. She will talk their ears off but won't have a two way conversation and only wants to dictate the play time. We try and tell her that sometimes you have to do what other children want but she won't hear any of it.

She talks to the kids that the other children won't. My daughter doesn't deserve the treatment those other children give her. Children are taught by television and in school to be accepting of everyone but so far I haven't noticed that quality in a majority of the kids at school or the adults for that matter. It's almost as if she is being punished.

I spoke with my teacher last night.
She has two sons with ADHD that went to the same school. She recommended that I talk to a behaviorist at the school. (I didn't know they have one)
Either way I need to get N evaluated and get her the help she needs. I know she is capable of excelling and her potential is amazing. I know all mothers say this but I think she is above average intellectually. She just seems frustrated all the time and I don't want her to feel that way any more.

I want my happy N back.

The advantage of my psychology obsession whilst in the Navy.

2007-09-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

This, of course, is only a theory I have and I prefer not to say that I was "just lucky" but "persevered through thick and thin" by staying in the military for so long. I will never know for sure but I do know that I did serve a significant time in the military despite my perceived disabilities and I also know that I am not the only one who has achieved this. (This observation has been made upon reading endless blogs and posts from members who have served in the military and been later diagnosed with Asperger's/NVLD upon or after discharge.)

I don't wonder how the diagnosis was missed. For one, my ADD diagnosis, received while in the military, was not very thorough and I basically told them, "this is my problem. Will you please treat me for it?". I went to the psychology ward (Otherwise known as the 9th floor of the hospital where you didn't want to be seen unless you were going to the "library" conveniently located behind the "psych ward".) after being told by my supervisor that he thinks I have ADD because I don't make eye contact. (He thought I was distracted while he was talking to me when in fact I was listening. I just cant do both at the same time but I didn't know that then and believed what people told me.)

Let's just say I know how to fill out the questionnaires. (-; I know which things on the questionnaire are considered "depressive", and "schizoid" tendencies and I know that one would basically have to lie if you do or have had any problems. It's quite easy actually. I didn't admit to any depression or any particular thing that I know would be questioned by the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was terrified and I also believe that the only people who honestly answer those questions are the ones who want to be separated. I didn't.

During my time in the Navy,I also received bad advice from a community college counselor, and went for a very bad evaluation from a seedy disability office in the area. I was young and naive and didn't realize that what I needed to do was see a specialist which would not have been provided to me while I was in the Navy anyways. The disability office basically told me that I was uneducated and stupid even though I never received an IQ test from them. Of course I looked young and mentally healthy so my theory now is that they probably thought I was trying to "scam" the system and they were trying to "teach me a lesson". The experience hurt my already fragile ego and disenfranchised me even more. (I'll tell this story another time.)

So, to make a long story short, I knew how to answer the psych questions, I took the medications that pretty much only made me hyper, more aggressive than usual (which was seen as a good thing by the people I worked for), and sick from the side effects, and continued to get treated for ADD which, I, at the time, did believe I had.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered Asperger's and NVLD. This has opened a whole new realm of answers to questions I've always had and has removed the blame from myself and other members of my family for many things. (I also know that I am not stupid and uneducated) Not to mention, this revelation has helped me with my psych obsession by giving me new information to research. (O.K, so that is not good for my schooling which happens to be unrelated to my obsessions) It has opened my eyes to another world and culture that I believe that I may be part of.

What would've happened had I stayed in the military? Well, I shall speculate on that another time.

Waiting to find out.

2007-09-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and research the past year and have been thinking that it is possible that I may fall on the spectrum. I hope to eventually know for sure and be able to make an official title to this blog and speak of my experiences as a parent and how I plan on doing the best damn job possible. My worse fear is that I will be told that I am mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and there is nothing wrong with me. (What will my title be? Crazy, neurotic mom?)

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) it is not that simple and I am positive that there is more to the picture. I have been on the outside my whole life and have never entirely been able to relate to another human. Becoming a mother has brought me a little bit closer but there still seems to be some invisible wall that I can't get past.

Recently I found a community of members who have Asperger's syndrome and Non Verbal Learning Disorder. I am leaning more towards the fact that I may have Non Verbal Learning Disorder but I can only do so much research and personal reflection without speaking to a professional.

I will close this entry for now. I have to go pick up my daughter from school and I also have a lot of homework that I need to take care of. (I'm a bit behind)

Take care all,

(-:

Article on ADD and Non Verbal Learning Disorder

2007-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Not only have I been doing research on Asperger's syndrome but I have also come across a condition called Non Verbal Learning Disorder which seems to be related or similar.
I have, in the past, been diagnosed with ADD. I always had the feeling that the diagnoses was not exactly correct.

~ Here is the link to the article (To my friends with ADD, this article is from a magazine called ADDitude. It's created especially for people with ADD/ADHD.):

Maybe It’s Not ADD After All

Here are a few highlights from the magazine:

Marci did well academically in grades one and two, although she didn't have many friends. Her third-grade teachers said she seemed inattentive in class, blurted out inappropriate comments, and bumped into classmates clumsily when they lined up for recess. Later that year, Marci was diagnosed with ADD. But Ritalin didn't help. Neither did Adderall.

Given her obvious intelligence, her teachers considered her C average evidence of laziness or defiance.

Nonverbal learning disorder (NLD) is a constellation of brain-based difficulties. Once considered rare, NLD is now thought to be as prevalent as dyslexia. Strongly genetic in origin, NLD affects girls as freqently as boys and is characterized by poor visual, spatial, and organizational skills, poor motor performance, and difficulty recognizing and processing nonverbal cues - body language, facial expression, and the nuances of conversation.

* Despite their facility with language, kids with NLD often have poor reading comprehension. A child with NLD may miss the forest and the trees because of his intense focus on the leaves. After reading a book about the Civil War, for instance, the child might be able to name and describe each battlefield - yet fail to recognize that the conflict was about slavery and federalism.

At first glance, children with NLD seem to behave like those with ADD, but the appropriate interventions are not the same. A child with NLD may have trouble sitting still and may bump into people. But this isn't due to hyperactivity - it's due to his poor balance and coordination, and trouble with visuospatial relationships.

NLD varies from child to child, and is not defined as a separate entity in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. For diagnosis, a child must undergo neuropsychological testing, speech and language assessment, and educational and occupational therapy evaluations.

kids with NLD usually demonstrate a verbal I.Q. that's 20 or more points higher than their performance I.Q. (Verbal I.Q. is a measure of a child's language ability. Performance I.Q. measures how well he makes use of what he knows.) Another test, the Brown ADD Scales, can help differentiate NLD from ADD.

Play dates, hanging out with friends, socializing, and all that "normal stuff" I don't do.

2007-08-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

Warning: Lots of incoherant rambling, bad spelling, grammer, punctuation, and cursing. And probably a bit of stupidity too.

Why? Because I'm a shitty fucking mother? I don't know. I beginning to think my children are going to hate me because I don't talk to anybody.
I'm a good mother when it comes to other things but my daughter doesn't have friends or go on play dates and I don't go meet with random strangers I found on the internet.
She doesn't get invited to play dates from the children at her school and usually the only times that I will have a conversation with another parent is if they have no one else to talk to or my social husband is around. Yes, the people here already seem to know each other and I haven't exactly been made to feel welcome but at the same time they are nice.

It has to be me.

N has been to a few birthday parties (2 to be exact, in the span of 2 years) and we met one of her little friends by mistake, out at the fair, back in February.
I don't know how to make play dates. I don't know how to make the small talk in order to open up the opportunity to ask if the children can play together. I'm also not comfortable having my children play at a strange person's house nor am I comfortable leaving the familiarity of my own. I just can't do it.

You would think my social husband would help but he is one of those people who goes and says "ya, sure, let's get together some time and then doesn't". I can't blame him though.

I don't want my daughter to be seperated from society because of me and the ONLY reason I would want to go out with people I don't know very well is because of my daughter. I love to watch them play and have fun and my oldest daughter likes to go out and find "friends" but I am worried that she doesn't know how to socialize right (despite the fact she is outgoing and wants to play with everyone) and have a conversation with another child and it is all going to be my fault because I don't know how to do any of that.

In case anyone is wondering, (I'm sure anyone that bothered reading this is wondering , "why did she bother to have kids?") I was socialized as a child but I never made my own friends. My mother always sent me to play at other children's houses, she baby sat lots of children, and she always enrolled me in clubs like 4H and Girl Scouts.
I just never figured it out.
I've been trying to fucking figure it out all my life and I am just tired of trying. My husband tells me I have come a long way and he is part of the reason for me even realizing there was a problem. He never judged me. He loved me anyways and was my first ACTUAL relationship. (I even wonder why the hell he sticks around. I'm not easy to live with)

When I joined the Navy a lot of things came to the surface but I was sure that I would learn more skills and be more outgoing in no time. I would be great!! I would be "well rounded". I just needed to "come out of my shell", blah blah blah fucking blah.
I came a long way but I've just constantly been met with frustration and failure. To be quite honest I would love to just stay in my room for the rest of my damn life and not talk to anyone but that is stupid.

The last blow was when I went to a mommy meet up from Gainesville and brought my children. It was hot loud and confusing. My husband socialized plenty and the girls had a great time. (My husband said never again but he is so protective of me)
When I left someone made the comment "next time we will envite someone who talks more."
I was so upset. I thought I had done well and even took the initiative to talk to a few girls and ask them about their children. It was SO FUCKING HARD but I did it but my best effort is another person's worst effort, I suppose.

woe is me, play the violins, boo fucking hoo.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I am frustrated. If I had a lot of family in the area I would socialize by default but I can't afford it and I have alienated myself from a lot of people. I wish my husband would try to get us out to socialize and make friends for me but that is unrealistic.

I need to figure something out.

If you ever meet me and think I'm "just shy" and don't hold it against me, you are nice. Unfortunately it is a lot more than that.
If you understand this at all then it is a miracle because so far no one has gotten it and I am also not to sure that this blog makes sense as it is crazy and disjointed. Just know that I do try and that it is not easy for me. If I ever meet any of you who read this, also, please don't take anything personal that I do or don't do. I've come a long way since being in the Navy and since having children but I still fuck up. A lot. And even though you may not believe it, I don't mean to nor do I want to.

I just hope my children don't suffer because of me.

intersitual cystitis

2007-07-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Upon recieving my diagnosis of intersitual cystitis, I have been doing a lot of research and coming to the conclusion that this is most likely part of something bigger. I just don't know yet. I hope to find out so I can better treat myself. I sick of feeling like shit all of the time. These things are, also, nothing new for me. I just am getting a little bit closer to figuring things out.

Here is some info that I found. I won't copy and paste the whole thing but if you are interested just click on the link. I experiance the symptoms of most of these disorders.

Some IC Patients Experience Symptoms Beyond the Bladder

Indifference

2007-07-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I don't want to care.
I don't feel like faking it today either.

Perhaps I should just brew another pot of coffee but that will just be "I pretend to care because I am hyper from drinking more coffee!"

I haven't done my homework. I don't care.
My daughter caught three ants IN the house and wants me to observe them. I don't care.
My husband is pissed off at the people he works with and is going to want to talk to me about it non-stop once he gets home. I don't care.
The dishes are piled in the sink, crumbs are on the floor, the table cloth is sticky, I have paper piles all over the house that date back to 1995. I don't give a fuck.

I don't want to talk to anybody and no I'm not depressed. I. don't. care.
so sue me.

A car could crash through my wall right now and I would just walk into the other room and shut the door.

This didn't make me feel any better. Why? because I don't care.

"I understand"

2007-06-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Apparently this is the worse thing you can say to someone?
I said this, in an attempt to be kind, and was immediately attacked because there was "no way I could understand unless I was that person".
That's not what I meant asshole!
You try to be nice to someone and that is what you get?
Why do I even bother to talk at all? I can't fucking win either way. I either don't talk enough or I offend someone. What the hell am I supposed to do?

The tooth fairy was late again.

2007-06-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

I swear I am going to get this right eventually.

My daughter woke up this morning, in tears, because the tooth fairy didn't come. dammit, so, I told her that she only worked on Saturday night this week.

~sigh~ My mother never did this to me.

At my mom's place

2007-06-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

So we drove to *** (12 hours. 10 if my husband didn't decide to take his own route) and got there around 1 in the morning.
I hate long drives.
I got to see my little girl and she did, in fact, grow! I have tons of pics but most of them aren't digital.

I had a bit of a meltdown, yesterday, while I was there. My family was forgiving and, of course, thought it was for other reasons since it involved my dad. I guess it is best they see me in that light than know the real reason why I was upset or frustrated. I was fine after an hour or so and things worked out.
I saw my dad too and got to use his Canon Rebel (woo hoo!).

Tomorrow morning we leave to go back to **.

My 2 year old has been throwing a constant tantrums since I got here. She can't handle any new environment and it is difficult for me to deal with.
What is even more difficult to deal with is that my husband can't handle her tantrums and acts about the age of 2 himself. ~sigh~

I included a picture of the road in front of my mother's house taken during the winter time. It takes your breath away and actually makes me miss the winter. There is nothing like a solitary walk down a snow covered road, surrounded by silence, so silent you can even hear the snow fall. It arouses something in me that I can't even begin to describe.
I need to get away.
Coming back here reminds me of that.

Are you right brained or left brained?

2007-06-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz
The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life. Realising your right brain/left brain tendancy will help you interact with and to understand others.
Left Brain Dominance:	(14)
Right Brain Dominance:	(10)
Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Jung personality test.

2007-05-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

What is the perfect career for you?

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Here is the more detailed description:

INTJ
loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, not very altruistic, not very complimentary, would rather be friendless than jobless, observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private, not much fun, hidden, skeptical, does not tend to like most people, socially uncomfortable, not physically affectionate, unhappy, does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things, tends to be pessimistic, not spontaneous, prone to discontentment, guarded, does not think they are weird but others do, responsible, can be insensitive or ambivalent to the misfortunes of others, orderly, clean, organized, familiar with dark side (I most certainly am not!!), tends not to value organized religion, suspicious of others, can be lonely, rarely shows anger, punctual, finisher, prepared (well jeez!!)
favored careers:
scientist, dictator? (LOL!!!!!!), forensic anthropologist, systems analyst, philosopher, nuclear engineer, political analyst, researcher, statistician, scholar, research scientist, computer scientist, software designer, curator, computer programmer, aerospace engineer, electrical engineer, paleontologist, English professor, philosophy professor, chemical engineer, epidemiologist, forensic scientist, museum curator, research assistant, mechanic, astronomer, fighter pilot, librarian, systems administrator, neurosurgeon, book editor, biotechnology, archaeologist, lab tech, bookstore owner
disfavored careers:
advertising executive, job in entertainment industry, performer, singer, art therapist, childcare worker, bartender, dj, event coordinator, hair dresser, wedding planner

I think I'll be a dictator. (-:

husband making friends?

2007-05-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, today our phone rang and it was for my husband!

His 'friend' wanted to go to the gym with him. He had just missed my husband whom had just walked out the door a few minutes ago. My husband had spoken with his 'friend' yesterday while at the gym (yay, he went to the gym!) and told his 'friend' to give a call should he decide to go to the gym together. I hope this will last. You see, my husband is the master of small talk but rarely lives up to his word. I guess that is typical of those 'normal' people or perhaps the typical male stereotypes that speak to each other on a regular basis? (As you can tell I'm not one of them) They make false promises to keep up a conversation? I'm hoping not but I really want to see my husband do this gym thing on a regular basis which will be difficult since we both are going to have classes this summer. Perhaps they will make "play dates" together a few times a week and he can get out of my hair and stop talking my ear off. (-;

My husband is a social genius (supposedly) yet doesn't socialize like the average American male. I believe it's partly a cultural thing as he's not from the U.S. He doesn't hang out and watch sports or go to bars and since I don't socialize he doesn’t' get dragged along to play dates either. You see, unlike me, my husband needs to have friends and conversations on a regular basis. Otherwise he will be breathing down my neck 24 - 7. He is a social butterfly and I need my space. Otherwise we compliment each other perfectly. He teaches me how to navigate social situations and I attempt to teach him, erm, humility? So, even though he agrees with me that most people seem superficial and shallow, he can still play the game and I just watch in amazement.

Yay! My husband has a friend and I'm going to let him go out and play!

I have a squirming baby in my lap so I shall close this now. One can hope right?

"The Girl With a Boy's Brain"

2007-04-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Interesting article. Here is the link from psychology today: The Girl With a Boy's Brain

I will copy and paste some of the parts that I feel apply to me or that I find important since the article is so long:

AS is a condition on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum. Its sufferers are successful in many realms of life but tend to have obsessive interests. They have trouble reading people and connecting with them. And they can have faulty sensory processing systems that leave them confused in hectic or unfamiliar settings. Researchers agree that girls with AS tend to be more anxious and less aggressive than the boys. And during their teenage years, they are at an increased risk for awkward sexual situations and even date rape because of their inability to interpret social cues and their tendency to take statements literally. In school, Kiriana barely spoke at all. One teacher feared she was deaf. "She pretty much refused to interact with other kids," says Melissa. She was often distracted—but not in the ricocheting manner of a kid with an attention-deficit disorder. "When the teacher called on me, I was frozen," recalls Kiriana. "I was often accused of not paying attention or of being on a different planet, but I was actually paying close attention to something else." At the behest of a teacher at her private elementary school, Kiriana finally did get tested for disabilities. The results were inconclusive, and no one suspected autism in any form. "I knew she felt a little different," says Melissa. "But I never really thought anything was wrong with her." Girls are generally recognized as superior mimics, says Tony Attwood, a pioneering Asperger's researcher. Those with AS hold back and observe until they learn the "rules," then imitate their way through social situations. "Girls can fake it quite well," says Liane Willey, a psycholinguist with AS who describes how she assumes different personalities when switching social gears in her autobiography, Pretending to Be Normal. Listening comprehension is still a source of strife for Kiriana. "When I watch a movie, I have to turn the volume way up to understand dialogue, but way down whenever there is background noise or music," she says. "When I go to hear a lecture on a subject, it's like I'm listening to a foreign language." Last summer, Kiriana went several weeks without speaking to anyone she knew. "I feel most comfortable being alone," she says. "I don't feel lonely very often, and when I do, it's usually not a general feeling of loneliness as much as a wish to be with a certain person or people." Parties tire her, and when she meets someone new she fears she'll come off as boring. "The things most people think of as fun are work to me," she says, citing the complicated dynamics of relationships and social interaction. "To me, fun would be reading a textbook." Kiriana gets rushes of happiness, pride, and guilt, but abstract concepts—patriotism, for example, or spirituality—don't rouse her. "I do cry," she says, "but it's usually out of anger or frustration. Rarely do I feel true sadness." "There are so many situations where I'm talking to somebody and I can tell they've lost interest," she says. "A lot of times I'm not sure what I did."

I need to know

2007-04-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Being the inpatient person that I am I decided to call around and find out how I may be evaluated for asperger's syndrome. (My heart felt like it was about to pound out of my chest the entire time I was making those phone calls.)

Wow, it is amazing how little resources are available for an adult to be evaluated. It is my, not so humble, opinion, after doing much research via the net, that the US is a little behind on this compared to the UK. I hope that this will change very soon.

I finally got a hold of the mental health department at XXXX and they informed me that they have ONE therapist that evaluates adults. (Wow, one entire therapist!!)
I was told (They have great customer service BTW) that I will need a referral and the waiting list is about 3-4 months long. I have no problem with this since I am a full time student and I have possibly been dealing with this for 29 years anyways. (What is 3 more months?)

There is a little more hope now.

Now my worse dilemma is trying to explain myself to the doctor in order to convince her to give me a referral. I, of course, have already catastrofised the situation and thought about what I would do if she said no. I don't know.
I will have the difficult task of presenting my case and that is a bit of a problem since it is very difficult for me to express myself at all, especially when I am stressed and upset. I"ve decided to do it by writing it down. I can think of millions (This is an exaggeration my fellow aspies (-; ) of examples from my life, especially my childhood. I will have to write down the symptoms as per the DSM - IV manual and then cite specific examples next to each one.

I had a lot more to write but I've already exhausted myself with this little blurb. I have a lot of homework, as usual, and I need to concentrate on that.

Ps: The spell checker is telling my that I have to change asperger to asparagus. :-P

Take care all

Well I told him

2007-04-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

I dumped the mother load on my husband last night. He was supportive in a bit of a patronizing way. I don't need this.

I've been doing more research on Asperger's in women. I have no doubt in my mind and everything I read confirms this even more. The funny thing is is that it is the little things that people do. The mannerisms, the way they speak that seems so strangely familiar to me. I can't explain that to him.
I have no support.
I just want to crawl in a fucking hole right now.

Perhaps I just need to give him more time.

Off to do some more homework. I'm behind as usual and I have a test tonight and another one tomorrow. Wish me luck.

My new friends

2007-04-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

I've been "talking" to my new friends today on the internet. I like them. I get them. They get me. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I know I'm not crazy.

I've decided not to jump in for a DX just yet. I'm going to do more research and take on a new perspective in relation to myself.

Right now I don't need some overpaid doctor with his BMW, handing me some papers to make it "official". When the time comes for me to do this, I will walk in there and direct him/her towards information I already know. I can guarantee that I will be aware of more then Mr. PHD when I am standing/sitting there in his/her office, decorated with books that they would like you to think they have read, and self help pamphlets stuck to wall in cheap plastic containers, and me being studied and looked over like some inanimate object. (-:

In other words, I may not need to pay someone for what I will already know but at least I will have physical confirmation.

I have another year until my next physical in which I will inquire of a referral. I will also be finishing my degree in about the same amount of time

In other words, I need to concentrate on putting food on the table right now.

Take care all.

Confused and angry.

2007-04-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have to get this off my chest.
For awhile I have been pondering over all of my insecurities and perhaps have been a little obsessed with all the problems of my childhood. In other words, I've been wallowing in self pity.
I've been doing excessive research on psychological disorders (In attempt to prove to myself that I'm not mentally ill) and fell upon information on Asperger's syndrome. I found this information via a social anxiety forum while researching selective mutism. Just out of curiosity (and a little nagging feeling) I began reading threads and researching various websites. Why? Because upon discovering that I actually fit in to and completely relate to a group of people for the first time in my life I still don't want to believe that there is a possibility that I have this disorder. I'm looking for reasons why I don't have this and can't find a whole lot. I even took some on-line tests and it scared the living sh*t out of me.
But all of a sudden everything makes sense. It explains everything I've gone through my entire f*cking life! All these memories are flooding back and all these pieces are fitting together. I don't know if this is real or not. I can't even bring myself to say anything to my husband or anybody so I write it in here so my head doesn't explode.
What now?
Do I just wait it out and get on with my life hoping that I'm being overly effected by some hype on the internet and that I will come to my senses soon but I'm not so sure.
Do I try to see someone for a diagnoses of Aspergers or a conformation that I'm crazy & nuerotic? Can I afford that?
I need to talk to my mom but I'm pretty convinced that she has her head in the sand. I know she's had me tested for all sorts of things before. I've had electrodes on my head and hearing tests and spent days looking at pictures and taking strange tests. My mother never told me what the results were. Perhaps she knows something I don't.
My head is spinning and I can't concentrate on my work. (I have two tests tomorrow)

ps: This being autism awareness month I thought somebody may be interested in this forum I have found: My new friends

Overwhelmed

2007-04-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write this paper for one week now. I keep hitting road blocks every time I think I'm getting somewhere with it. I've also been trying to pick up the laundry, do the dishes, sort the piles of paper, vacuum, put away everyone's clothes, and just create a somewhat sanitary environment for my children to live in yet I've failed at all of those so far. Everyone tells me I'm doing well but I don't feel well. I knew this was going to happen when I went to school. I just didn't know how difficult it was going to be deal with. I feel like I'm trapped in constant filth. I can't concentrate in this environment and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm lucky if I get a shower. Most of the time I will go two or three days. I'm still in my pajamas from yesterday. I have two tests on Tuesday and I have informed my husband that I am sleeping early Wednesday night and not to wake me up if I fall asleep while putting the girls down for the night. Shower or not. Well off to finish this damn paper. I still have homework to finish for this same class and it's all due tomorrow night. Then I get home from school at around 9 p.m. and study for three chapters that I haven't even glanced at yet I have a test on them in the morning. I also have discussion boards to post on the same class and then another test to take for legal that is due by 11 p.m. that night. How many nights can I stay up? No wonder I'm going nuts. I will at least try to remember to brush my teeth before bed. Pray I complete this degree because I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.

Somebody knock me out please.

2007-03-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Day #3 with migraine.

I still continue to do all I need to get done;

I study, get on the computer and attend my on-line classes (staring at the computer screen can not be good for any head ache,I cook lunch (well, maybe I will just heat it up or throw together a sandwich)I take almost no medication because I have to get in the car and drive, I drop off my children and pick them up from school and then listen to a screaming 20 month old and fighting, whining, screaming children until my husband comes home and rescues me.

No, wait. He doesn't rescue me. That's only wishful thinking. He tries but instead I listen to him talk non-stop, (telling me he knows what can fix that headache) on top of a screaming baby, and rambunctious, smart-mouthed, loquacious, 6 year old until I go to sleep AND if I'm lucky I will fall asleep before him. If not, I listen to him snore because he refuses to get a sleep study done and take care of his problem.

Gee, I wonder why this headache won't go away.

Well, as soon as bed time comes around, I'm taking the good medicine.

What shall I choose?

2007-03-08T07:07:00.000-08:00

Prescribed amphetamine or Cuban coffee? I can't have both and cocaine is illegal so which one will it be today?

Lately

2007-02-27T06:55:00.000-08:00

I've been in a slump these past few weeks. I just don't feel up to doing much of anything. This could be due to the fact that my family and I have been under so much stress for such a long period of time or perhaps I just need to get outside more and get some exercise. Either way it is as if I feel indifferent to everything around me. Something major would have to happen, right now, to invoke any sort of emotion from me.

Also, I try to socialize and be pleasant with everyone but it appears false and forced which makes people a bit uncomfortable. My presence tends to make people uncomfortable anyways but lately it bothers me more than other times. So, I just don't bother. I've tried to fix this in the past but I also can't force myself to be someone I'm not. This is usually fine because I tend to keep to myself a majority of the time but I would like to have a little normalcy as well, if not for me then for my girls. I don't want to be the "weird" mom and I sure as hell don't want to isolate them from having friends.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care, I'm shy, selfish, antisocial, or I'm just annoyed by most people. I don't desire to be isolated from everyone. I have times that I would like to be part of the society around me and participate in functions and play dates. Constant contact with other people just overwhelms me to the point that I don't want to be around anyone and I need a little peace and quiet for a long period of time. I never understood people whom had friends over every day or went out together every weekend. Perhaps that is why many of my friends don't stick around very long. The friends I have kept don’t live close enough for me to form a close relationship with. This, of course, means I don’t have to put a lot of effort into it.

Who knows the real answer? Perhaps I’m just being reactive to the way society wants me to conform. Being quiet, in this society, seems to be such a taboo. It is seen as a sign of being timid or weak. You have to be “aggressive” in this world. You have to be outgoing and submissive at the same time because, G-d forbid, you will appear as intolerant or un-compassionate. You have to be active in the community and volunteer for as many things as possible. Make a name for yourself. oh yeah, and don't forget to take your Ritalin.
I don’t get it. What does one have to prove?

I’m not always so down on myself. Most of the time, I know that kindness and shyness are not a sign of weakness. It’s only some of the time, like now, that I let other’s words and dirty looks bother me. When people make comments such as “Why don’t you talk more?” and
“I bet your not as innocent as you look.” it truly irritates me. They have already got me sized up in their brain. I never claimed to be innocent but that also doesn’t mean that I’m evil or have some hidden wild women within. It also doesn’t mean I’m pious or easily offended. And, no, I’m not weird or “stuck up”. I’m probably the most normal person you will ever meet. I can speak softly and carry my big stick. My still waters run deep, And lastly, the good things I do for others remain unspoken. My reward doesn’t come from the pat on the back one receives from public recognition. I always had a disdain for that and find it superficial and phony.

Well, I’m not going anywhere with this really. I do need to cook dinner (I hate the kitchen. I would be happy if I never stepped foot in it again) and study for my classes. Even though I’m not going for any high powered political position I need to at least put some food on the table. You can take that as either I have to study hard to get ahead or as I have to walk myself into the kitchen and actually cook something that will be consumed by the other people in my family. Either way, I don’t want to do it, but I have to. Not to mention, it wouldn’t be very nice to let my children starve until their father got home. Despite the fact that I hate to cook, I can cook. I am pretty damn good at it, thank -you -very much.

10 reasons why I'll never settle for a 'C'

2007-01-30T06:48:00.000-08:00

I don't only need to finish this degree but I need to do well. Our professor said that she is happy if we get a C.
I don't agree.
I won't settle for a C.

Because:

1. All of my young life I've been lead to believe that I am stupid and nothing much was expected of me from my friends and family.
2. I used to believe I was stupid and that has kept me from accomplishing anything that I have truly wanted in this life.
3. I've always felt as if everyone was just one step ahead of me and I could never catch up. I want to be on the other end for a change.
4. To know that I have worked hard for it and I'm not just 'scraping by' like I did in high school and the Navy.
5. When I was told by my mother "I'll be happy if you bring home a C. I don't expect all A's" it felt as if she was telling me "I don't expect much out of you." and that has stuck with me all my life.
6. I really like being on that deans list.
7. I've never finished anything in my life. Only started with enthusiasm only to have it all crash down and never happen.
8. Mediocrity is no longer good enough.
9. This will open up the doors for me and my family and it can only get better from there.
10. I need to prove it to myself. I will finish this.

Off to a rough start.

2007-01-29T06:20:00.000-08:00

I hate to admit that I am struggling this semester.

The work is piling up, I've failed a test, missed a class, turned in two late assignments, missed one assignment & I am completely lost in my coding class. I am also pretty sure that I won’t do well on this test tomorrow.

I get so pissed off when I see someone younger than me with an education, a great career, a house and wonder "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Why am I almost thirty years old and still working on my associates?” And then I wonder if perhaps I am just stupid and "A late bloomer" as my mother would put it. (Thanks mom) I know I'm not an idiot but I just can't help but wish I had made entirely different decisions in life.
But I really don't have anyone else to blame but myself.

I just continue to catastrophise, worry, obsess, and end up feeling sorry for myself and procrastinating even more on my homework. I know that I have to suck it up and keep going but I have no motivation to continue right now.

Angry fleas

2007-01-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

My husband informed me, today, that I have “angry fleas”.
I don’t know from what origin this expression came from but I have no doubt that he made it up just to annoy me.
After placing me with this label approximately fifteen times, (and an hour later) he stated that it meant that I have a bad temper.

Me: “Like an animal with “angry fleas?” That's fn stupid. oh! so you would be the annoying "flea" right? That constantly pesters me day and night, 24 hours a day, , , etc. . .!”

Actually I said a hell of a lot more than that but I will spare you excerpts from one of my many, temporary moments of insanity. (All brought on by my husband, By-the-way.)

Of course, my reaction only amuses him more and supposedly confirms his absurd accusation.

I can't help to think that he is being a little condescending in an "Oh your funny when you're mad" sort of way. Not to mention, he tends to be a little "colonic" himself. ('colonic' means tempermental but also has to do with assholes! how funny!)

5 finals out of the way but a little girl to work on.

2006-12-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

I am done with all 5 finals for the fall semester! woo hoo!

I am ready to collapse into a dark comfy corner with big fluffy pillows and sleep for a week straight.

I can't do that though. My daughter is suffering and it is not fair.

All of these stresses we have had the past few years have affected my oldest daughter and she is not doing well in school right now. I have suspected ADD for a long time (even before the problems) but I am not quick to blame things on that because the majority of the problem is our situation and all the strain we have been through the past two years. I had to take a job on top of school to help pay the bills (and ironically daycare) and she has been going downhill since then.

The terrible thing is that I don't see an end to it anytime soon.

I don't know what to do. Her teacher doesn't know what to do and is ready to give up on her. We had a conference last week and N is one of ‘those’ students that take up a majority of the teacher’s time during class because she needs constant guidance and direction. There are 19 other students and N is one of three that needs a lot of attention.
She doesn't follow directions;
She doesn't listen or pay attention.
She daydreams and talks all day and doesn't finish any of her work.

This is a common “N” thing lately:

N's kindergarten teacher had N sit and finish her project while the other students did an art project. She did this because N didn't finish before the other students. In fact, she didn't even start.
She told N that when she finished she could join everyone else in making an art project which was to resemble a crown with candles on it.
Well, N decided she would take her current, unfinished, project and turn it into the art project that everyone else was doing, proceeding to cut up her paper into 'candles' for the crown.

Another consistent problem is this:

When ever the teacher asks her a question she can't answer! Let me rephrase that: She WON'T answer. She will blurt out the correct answers over other students, during their turn, but not when it is her turn. She is not a bad kid. The teacher says that she is a sweetheart but she has no self control.

You know what is even more frustrating about this!

I KNOW she knows these things. She was even doing great before I started this job and I was told that she had made a complete turn around. (She was having difficulties the beginning of the year)
I quiz her all the time at home! She talks about the letter sounds at home. She reads some words and, yes, at home, she needs CONSTANT redirection and attention but it is just me and she and she knows the stuff.
She could be at the top of her class if she wanted to but N just does what N wants to do.
What am I going to do when she has to take a major test!

I get told she has the potential but she is not performing according to her potential. Her teacher is worried that they may have to hold her back if things don't improve. She comes home crying almost everyday lately and is acting up at home.
And then. . .

The worse blow came this morning:

She is affected socially as well.
I took N to class this morning and (In the hallway before the bell rang) my outgoing, talkative little girl was ignored by her friends. It was like my daughter had a disease and they didn't want to touch her. Why oh why...

What the hell did I do wrong? She doesn't deserve this. I have to do something.
I can't let my daughter suffer like this anymore.

Good things about ADD.

2006-12-13T05:38:00.000-08:00

I just love the use of the words "beyond the average person", and "mere mortal". ha ha

Here is the link:http://www.healthyplace.com/COMMUNITIES/add/gail/article_good_things.htm

Good Things About Being ADHD

We:

Are highly motivated, persistent, and stimulated by many of the intellectual challenges, which are beyond the average person.
Can be spontaneous, imaginative, creative, a little eccentric and able to express ourselves in the most unique ways.
Make great scientists, artists, actors and entrepreneurs.
Are often bursting with high energy and able to meet and beat challenges with zeal.
Become stimulated by intrigue and inspired by the novelty involved in change.
Can be keen observers, with an ability to find quick solutions to situations many mere mortals find complicated.
Are very resourceful, and can devise ingenious means of accomplishing things.
Think laterally and solve problems in very distinctive ways.
Can juggle many balls in the air at once, and think about lots of different things at the same time.
Are humorous, often with a keen wit and an ability or talent to make others laugh too.
Can be extremely diligent with a never-say-die approach to life's problems.
Are not afraid to take risks, often seeing risk-taking as a form of stimulation.

And our children, can be kind, thoughtful and often enjoy doing things for other people.